Spare Change

The Five Forbidden Phrases

Posted by Kelli

My journey began over six years ago when I had my first child. We attended a small church with a preschool department that, for better words, was less than adequate. At that time, the preschool teachers said things to me that shocked me.

Over the years, I have had two more children, attended several churches, and....unfortunately....have heard several more phrases which have completely caught me off guard.

So I now give you the Five Forbidden Phrases of preschool ministry. I have personally heard each of these phrases...at one time or another. And, although I consider myself to be a "seasoned" church-attender, I still have had my feelings hurt, or became upset at the conversations I have had with preschooler workers.

So, please refrain from using any of these statements. They make a big difference between a family becoming lifetime members or simply one-time visitors.

1. "He cried the whole time you were gone."

Although informative, this statement causes parents to feel like their child was a burden. Some mothers are apprehensive about even leaving their preschoolers in Sunday school or extended teaching care, especially is they know their young one will cry once she leaves.

The primary purpose of workers are caring, loving, and providing for the needs of the preschooler. If this means it is necessary to walk around holding a crying child the entire session, then make sure you're wearing your comfortable shoes. Be prepared for "difficult baby" situations, for they are certain to occur.

NOTE: Of course, if a child's cry seems to increase in intensity over a long period of time, locate the parents to see if they can better meet his needs and provide relief or satisfaction.

Alternate Statement: "He certainly missed his mommy while you were gone and cried a bit. He wasn't too interested in his bottle, or lying down. Burping helped a bit, and we changed his diaper. We talked about how much God loves him as we enjoyed walking around together. He was a joy to have today."

This statement informs the parent the little guy was upset. However, you listed out the solutions that you tried, and didn�t give the impression that he was too much to handle. You left them with a blessing that let them know their child is loved.

2. Does she act like this at home?�

This question can be interpreted in many different ways, but few of those are positive. Asking this may leave the parents feeling as though their child is abnormal and not wanted at church. Also, this unclear question may cause parents to wonder if their child was unusually loud, bossy, quiet, or disruptive.

Many children walk out of their comfort zone when they walk into a Sunday school class for the first few times. Different behaviors are common. Therefore, the preschool worker must strive to help the child feel as comfortable as possible. Include new children in the ongoing activities, give fresh faces special attention, and guide any child who seems lost. A child�s fear may be demonstrated with rambunctious or withdrawn attitudes. Most preschoolers are scared of new adults, surroundings, friends, and schedules.

NOTE: Always tell about the general behavior of the child, since most parents want to hear how their child behaved. If the behavior seems abnormal to you, be precise but loving in your statement. However, be careful to not appear nit-picky or judgmental about the child�s behavior. It is not necessary to give every detail to the parent, unless it is requested. Remember, every child is different.

Alternate Statement: �She took a bit to warm up to us. (Or, �She had a lot of energy this morning.) We made sure to include her in every activity, but didn�t try to put pressure on her. I think the one-on-one activities we have planned in the upcoming weeks will help us get to know one another even better. Thank you so much for trusting us with her today.�

3. �Why doesn�t she ever talk?�

This simple question is usually harmful, especially if overheard by the child. Some preschoolers are quiet. These children may not yet feel comfortable talking in large groups, or even speaking to adults they do not know. This forbidden phrase sends a message that you are frustrated with the child. Parents may then worry their child will be ignored because of her silence or because of being an introvert.

One job of the worker is to spend one-on-one time why shy individuals. Actions of love and comfort, reassurance and security train the child that teachers can be trusted. Developing trust with adults is one of the first steps in getting children to express themselves. Not all preschoolers will be loud and playful; some may be withdrawn and quiet.

NOTE: If an older preschooler refuses to speak, it may be out of stubbornness or rudeness. Teachers should talk with the parents when the child is not around and lovingly express their concern about her behavior. Never speak negatively about a child. Even negative situations can be discussed positively.

Alternate Statement: �She played by herself so well today. She is such a peaceful and loving child to be around.�

This statement reinforces to the parent that their child is not an outcast because she was quiet, and no partiality was shown to others because of it. It informs them that their child is special to God, and therefore, special to the class.

4. �He�s a handful. How do you control him?�

No matter how difficult the child, there is no way to present this forbidden phrase without putting your foot in your mouth! This statement sends the negative message that since the child is playful, then he is not welcome in God�s house. Not only will many parents stop bringing their preschoolers to church if they feel the child is not wanted, some families will cease coming altogether.

If a preschooler needs special attention, be prepared to give it. If you need additional workers to handle a boisterous child, then pull them from the pews and have the church train them. Spend individual time with the guy and always correct poor behavior with love and consistency.

NOTE: If you need to provide a parent with more details, do not do so when multitudes of parents are picking up their preschoolers. Most parents would like to be notified with a phone call, or be pulled aside later. Do not speak poorly of any child in front of other children or parents.

Alternate Statement: �A few times today, I needed to remind him to share his toys, use his inside voice, (or whatever the situation). We spent a lot of time together and I truly enjoyed getting to know him better.�

This statement informs the parent of the disruptive behavior. If the parent wants more detail, then lovingly share the details. Tel them the solutions you tried. Most parents want to know if their preschooler is disruptive. Workers must communicate with parents in a Christ-like manner when speaking of the child�s behavior.

5. �She made such a mess today.�

Putting blame on a preschooler for making a mess is like blaming the wind for leaves falling from trees. It is inevitable. This statement tells a parent that their child is a hassle because an unexpected mess occurred. Even if a mess has put the teacher off schedule, the teacher shouldn�t fall into the trap of identifying the child with the mess.

When � not if � a preschooler makes a mess, look first to yourself to see if the child was properly helped during the session. Did she have a smock or bib to help keep clothes clean? Was she supervised? Did she have enough space to work? Did she spill something simply because she is a young preschooler?

NOTE: If a preschooler intentionally spills, take her aside and speak to her about why that behavior is unacceptable. Then, ask her to help you clean it up, and later speak to her parents. Disruptive behavior should not be ignored.

Alternate Statement: �I apologize for the mess on her dress today. I should have been paying closer attention and we simply had an accident.�

Parents understand the word �accident.� Their house has probably seen a few of them over the years. Informing parents that something occurred is important. Do not let them get home and discover an orange juice stain on their daughter�s pink dress. Tell them and apologize to them.

So, finally�..

A preschool worker is wise to remember the Lord�s direction in speaking to the parents of the children to whom they minister.

May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight. Psalm 19:14.

March 4, 2004 11:32 AM