Spare Change

coming soon to a metroplex near you

Posted by Bryan

If my life were a movie....

• The statement "The part of Brad Pitt will be played by Bryan McAnally" would make sense and everyone would applaud the announcement.


• I'd demand (and get)$25 million per every feature-length comedy or drama that played out on my life's screen, as well as a percentage of the residuals and merchandising.


• Colorado would be the mecca of the entertainment world and Diddy & Kutch would beg me for Broncos box tickets.


• Neophytes would follow in my footsteps wanting to learn "The Bryan Method."


• I'd always choose to snip the correct wire, averting disaster.


• I'd never need a map or have to make U-turns. Oh, and there'd always be an open parking space at the front of the lot, and I could get out and leave the car running.


• Dramatic music would always play in the background every time I said something sensitive, or said something profound.


• I'd have a catch phrase...something like, "I told you not to go there!" or "I got yer Spare Change right here...sucka!" (notice the cross-marketing?)


• I'd do all my own stunts.


• I wouldn't lip sync the scenes from the concert performances. People would be amazed, rather than repulsed, by my singing abilities.


• My morning commute would invariably involve a chase scene


• I'd score the winning basket at the end of the world championship. Except it wouldn't be a winning basket, it would be a really good job editing a feature story on the mission work of Bob and Mary Jones, literacy volunteers to Native Americans. And it wouldn't be the world championship, it would be the Summer issue of the magazine. But the crowds would still go crazy and riot in the streets and turn over cars and light fires.


• I'd charge $4.75 for 20 ounce Coke, and twice that for a bag of popcorn.


• I'd never be seen crying, unless I got dirt in my eye at a particulary emotional scene.


• I'd be known as "the Meryl Streep" of male dialects, with voices for Gameshow Host, Movie Trailer Announcer, Tony Montana, Bob Uecker, Evangelical Preacher, and many more.


• I'd direct my own scenes. For example, the scene at the office might start with boss² saying the lines, "McAnally, why are you late and why didn't you turn in that draft we're all waiting for?*" And I'd say, "AND CUT!.... Let's try this again, but this time say, 'McAnally, you've saved us again with that perfectly-timed joke about the camel and the one-eyed epileptic. You've been promoted to president and given a bonus of 10,000 shares of blue-chip stock!' Okay....places, everyone, places. Let's nail it this time!"


• People would be more impressed and less off-put when I pause to make sure the label of my product is clearly visible, and deliberately mention, "that's why I, Bryan McAnally, always use Breath Assure for my persistant halitosis needs."


• The audience would always expect to see my good side.


• I'd take a lot of heat for committing a large chunk of my personal fortune to produce a re-telling of the ministry of Jesus Christ, including His crucifixion, burial, and resurrection, relying on the controversial writings of conservative Southern Baptists for my inspiration. The dialogue would only be in King James Version English, though subtitles would be provided, phonetically.


• The spin-offs with Kaylyn, Cotter, and Kelsi would prove to be much more entertaining, but the hastily-produced prequel would fail to capture the imagination of the audience, due to the poor casting of Dr. Phil as my father.


• I'd have a huge following in Europe and Asia.


• Neil Diamond and Anne Murray would sing 80s power ballads remastered by Andre 3000 for the soundtrack.


• It would not at all seem unusual for ministers to carry and use lightsabers.


• The unexpected revelation of my embarrassing 24-year ago citation for riding my bicycle in traffic would be headline news on Entertainment Tonight.


• I would unfortunately not be able to truthfully disclaim, "no animals were hurt in the production of this movie."


• People would still be amazed that I was lucky enough to convince Kelli to marry me.


• Three words, baby: Syn-di-cation.


• I would lose my partner in an unfortunate Baptist Men gunfight when he was ONLY THREE DAYS FROM RETIREMENT...NOOOOO!!!!!


• I'd discover the location of all the WMDs.


• My acceptance speech would thank my Savior Jesus of Nazareth, my wife and children, and my and Kelli's parents. That's all.