Spare Change

just answer the question

Posted by Bryan

As part of the dog and pony show that is the King of the Blogs competition, I've been ordered by the Kingmakers^® to answer the following:

Challenge Question

You are marooned on an island with the rest of the contestants in the King of the Blogs tournament. How would you survive amongst the other contestants, and what strategies would you use to do this? Please explain in detail.

I will answer part (a) of the question by explaining the complex, two phase approach I have utilized to bring me victory in every battle heretofore in my life.

First, I will implement the tactics recorded in the Holy Scriptures.

1. I will wear smelly clothing of indigenous beasts of burden and adhere to a severe, bizarre dietary regimen.
2. I will curse a lot.
3. I will threaten ominously.
4. I will prophecy doom.
5. I will overwhelm oratorally.
6. I will violently mow down all who oppose me in unrighteousness.

This first phase very well may be sufficient in completing the task at hand. If it proves to be more of a challenge, though, I'll then introduce a series of teaching that have been instrumental in my meteoric rise to this threshhold of power that is the King of the Blogs. This approach gleans from three of history's greatest thinkers:

Sun Tzu

The Art of War

All warfare is based on deception.
....
In war, then, let your great object be victory,
not lengthy campaigns.
....
If equally matched, we can offer battle;
if slightly inferior in numbers, we can avoid the enemy;
if quite unequal in every way, we can flee from him.
....
The onrush of a conquering force is like the bursting
of pent-up waters into a chasm a thousand fathoms deep.
....
Simulated disorder postulates perfect discipline,
simulated fear postulates courage; simulated weakness
postulates strength.
....
Ponder and deliberate before you make a move.

....
There are five dangerous faults which may affect
a general:
(note: I seem to have misplaced this list...I think I may have used it as a bookmark for Are You There God, It's Me, Margaret. If it doesn't turn up, I'll just refer to the first five chapters of What to Expect When Your Expecting)
....
On contentious ground, I would hurry up my rear.
....
Of old, the rise of the Yin dynasty was due to I
Chih who had served under the Hsia. Likewise, the rise
of the Chou dynasty was due to Lu Ya who had served
under the Yin.

Grand Master Who is Flash and the Five Who are Furious

The Message

I can’t take the smell, I can’t take the noise
Got no money to move out, I guess I got no choice
Rats in the front room, roaches in the back
Junkie’s in the alley with a baseball bat
I tried to get away, but I couldn’t get far
Cause the man with the tow-truck repossessed my car
....
My brother’s doing fast on my mother’s t.v.
Says she watches to much, is just not healthy
All my children in the daytime, dallas at night
Can’t even see the game or the sugar ray fight
....
Don’t push me, cause I’m close to the edge
I’m trying not to loose my head
It’s like a jungle sometimes, it makes me wonder
How I keep from going under

Homer of the House of Simpson

Wisdom


• All right, let's not panic. I'll make the money by selling one of my livers. I can get by with one.


• Because sometimes the only way you can feel good about yourself is by making someone else look bad. And I'm tired of making other people feel good about themselves!


• I probably shouldn't have eaten that packet of powdered gravy I found in the parking lot.


• A gun isn't a weapon; it's a tool. Like a harpoon, or a hammer or a ... an alligator. You just need more education on this subject.


• You see, the problem is communication. Too much communication.


• There's nothing wrong with crab grass. It's just got a bad name.


• Good things don't end in "eum," they end in "mania" or "teria."


• Now let's not get into who smells like what.

So, what must be obvious to all by now is that when the two Doc Marten's of this Jack-booted strategy fall one after the other, my opponents will be either stupefied, mesmerized, bedazzled, or flummoxed, depending on the placement of a range of variables including, but not limited to the lunar phase, the placement of the jet stream in relation to the Tropic of Capricorn, the preponderance of Reality Television Programming for the upcoming proximal "sweeps week," and just what Britney Spears is up to at the moment.

This plan embodies both the Kerouacian mantra that if you offer them what they secretly want they of course immediately become panic-stricken, and gives it a lemon-spritz-Confucian-twist of "Those who quote me are fools." Truly, it is the Terminatrix within a Matrix raised to the power of Back to the Future. It cannot be comprehended, merely apprehended and beheld. It is terrible and beautiful, scandalous and reverent, and biodegradable yet tamper-resistant at all the same time.

As for part (b), or how this blueprint for ascendancy to the Blogosphere's monarchy will be implemented, perhaps my intent can be best expressed in haiku:

misdirection and
subversion; faint praise and bribes
whatever it takes

December 9, 2003 9:40 PM