Spare Change

a hairy issue

Posted by Bryan

irene has recently wrote about her body hair. I can't comment on that. she's on the other side of the globe, and I'm not an authority on her hair.

but I am an authority on my own hair. Specifically that which currently resides on atop my head. I've taken matters of the hairline quite seriously for quite some time, ever since I was six and noticed that my dad, his two brothers, and their dad all had the exact same hair style. I think the term back then was called....bald. Prodigy that I was, i was able to make a connection and my days ever since have been filled with dread.

Late teenage years were spent inspecting hairlines and growing out my locks, certain that one day, they'd be forever lost. But here I am on the other side of thirty and my hairline is still holding brave. My main fear was not just that I'd lose my hair, but that it would retreat in a panicked run and seek sanctuary upon my back and shoulders. For the most part, that hasn't happened, and I have no conscientious memory of having traded my soul to the enemy in exchange for a full head of hair.

But as pleased as I am to have hair, I have a bit of an ironic relationship with it, because now I really dislike having hair that is longer than my tolerance for liberal politics (which, as you may know, is quite short). So every few weeks, I require an appointment to be groomed.

Just such an appointment is required of me today. A couple of weeks ago, I had that casual thought hmmm...I probably ought to get a haircut. I should just schedule it when that thought arrives. But I never do. And then just a few days later --Holy Alberto VO5! -- I find myself shocked when I finish styling my mane and think that John Davidson from That's Incredible! is looking back at me from the other side of the mirror.

As an aside, for the past two days I've been using Suave's styling gel, after an extended relationship with Suave's sculpting gel. I meant to relate this important development sooner, but we were waiting for a few days to make an assessment. Preliminary results are encouraging, though.

So, on my way home tonight, i will go to a well-trained stylist employed by a Salon meeting the following high and stringent criteria:
a. No clever business names, like "Curl Up & Dye."
b. Be a mass-haircutting chain -- practice makes perfect.
c. no long wait -- time is money, people.
d. Under $12 -- I've got a full head of hair, but it's not like I'm Rapunzel.
e. be close to my home.

Once a locale meets these parameters, I'll sit down and let the clipping begin. Unless, of course, my helmet-hair won't fit through the doorway, which means they'll have to find an extension cord for their clippers and shave me down out in the parking lot.

i once went to a sports cut salon, but didn't return because kelli thought I was going to the equivalent of "hooters." And even though its not, its main attraction is that you can watch sports while you get your hair cut. I have to have my glasses removed to get my hair cut, which precludes being able to see anything beyond the end of my nose.

So I'll go get a $12 haircut, and if the job is done right, I'll tip $3. And because I'll be seeking to establish a new relationship with a haircutter, I'll have to give my hair order like I'm in line at Burger King.

#2 clippers on the side and back. blended with the top. as short as you can get it and still have it lay down. thinning shears before you're done. and double pickles hold the mayo

I think its important to have a relationship with your haircutter, rather than constantly changing. It builds trust between client and professional. And it makes it harder to get real upset when she accidentally lops the top of your ear from laughing too hard at one of your jokes.

And I'm not being sexist with my "her" references. Men can be haircutters. They call them barbers. I just prefer a woman to cut my hair. A woman tells me virtually every day what shirt to wear with what pants. The same woman tells me when to throw away hole-y underwear, or when I've got a orangutan swingin' from the nosehair o' doom. Now, I don't trust this woman to cut my hair, but she has led me to place my trust in other professionally-trained women to make me look my best.

It does seem, though, that I'm constantly having to remind the cutter to use the shears at the end. The thinning shears, while necessary to me, appear to have become passe', gone by way of the straight razor. Nonetheless, for some reason, my hair must be thinned. Ironic, I know, but I liken it to pruning the grapevine, which as any vinedresser knows, is essential for plump grape growth. but I digress. I find that if I don't thin my hair, within two weeks, I feel like my head is a 12-pound bowling bowl draped in an Alpaca sweater, cooking on the beach of Tahiti under the noonday sun. so I often have to ask again for the shears, and I always feel like a critical jerk for doing so. "Could you please do the shears now?" I ask as nicely as possible. I find that this exchange goes much more pleasantly when I refrain from adding the word "idiot" to the end of my request.

A couple of other things:

--you shouldn't have to pay $3.95 for a shampooing. We're talking about a quarter sized glob of hair soap and conditioner. And even if you are a shampooing legalist and insist on repeating the lathering and rinsing, you're still not investing more than a buck, at most. And the shampooing is not so labor-intensive that it should be a premium expense. so I opt out on this elective.
--styling gel at the conclusion of a cutting is the most unnecessary procedure since the benediction at the last Athiest Club meeting. You're going home to wash away all the renegade clippings and to unstyle the stylist's styling's anyway, so don't waste everyone's time.
--few things gross me out more than having to use an apron that was just used by the guy before me. he could be the national spokesman for Paul Mitchell and I'll still assume he's the poster boy for head lice awareness. Spare me, okay, and splurge by taking out a clean apron.
--the astringent used to disenfect combs, while carrying a medicinal odor, is not a beneficial product for good intestinal health. keep that in mind the next time you feel like wrapping your lips on the brim and tossing down a quart of it.
--there is such a thing as "too cheap" of a hair cut. Accordingly, don't allow your head to be a crash test dummy for beauty school dropouts (thanks Franky Avalon for that literary and musical gem), and never, I repeat never, exchange a hair cut for a bag of stale potato chips. You'll come out a two-time loser on that bargain every single time.

July 22, 2003 1:31 PM