Spare Change

Sung to the tune of There She Is...

Posted by Bryan

And it came to pass that Blogger Idol Week 11 arrived. The topic...Blogger Pageant. The challenge is to answer one question. In an attempt to please the judges and to satiate latent O/C tendencies, I'm answering every question. Who are you to tell me what to do anyway?

And awaaaay we go...

Who are you? My name is Inigo Montoya. You kill my father. Prepare to die.

Why did you enter this pageant?
World Peace.

What do you want to achieve in life?
I'd like to teach the world to sing. In three-part harmony, if possible.

What has been the biggest disappointment in your life to date?
There was that date where I ate too many dates that were past their expiration date, which led to a bathroom date, which was my worst date to date.

What is your best quality?
Grade A Premium.

What is your worst quality?
Grade F Not Fit for Human Consumption.

Why should we select you as our titleholder?
I have never lost or damaged any title that has been placed temporarily under my watchcare.

You can only pick one word. Which word best describes you: sexy, smart, beautiful or talented? And why?
Or.*

Do you believe in premarital sex?
Despite what you may have heard about me, you are being entirely too presumptuous and completely inappropriate.

Do you believe in abortion?
My feelings on this matter are best embodied by the lyrical stylings of the former Ms. Madonna Ciccone who eloquently stated, "Papa don't preach. I'm keepin' the baby."

Who is the reigning Miss (pageant you are in)?
I don't know. Neither does Google. You'd think y'all would have kept better records of that. And it really doesn't matter, because her sun is setting and a bright star will soon rise to replace her.

Other than you mother, who do you admire most and why?
John Kerry. Because he's an everyman. And because he is nuanced. And because he knows what's best for me better than I do. Oops. Time for my medication. Disregard this answer.

Do you think the government should try to legislate morality to create a better environment for children to grow up in?
You can try all you want, but no law is going to keep the flora from having unprotected premarital cross-pollination. And because of that, there is no telling what is in store for the environment that will be the home for children in the years ahead.

Do you feel more comfortable in small gatherings or large parties?
With my Docker's Relaxed Fit with the Individual Fit Waistband that gives an extra hidden inch, I'm equally comfortable in either setting.**
What is your town/state known for?
My town/state is known for being the home to its people who live there, and for being able to correspond with a marked legend on a map relating to its geographical coordinates.

If you won this title and your boyfriend was upset, which would you give up - the boyfriend or the title?
First of all, somebody's been watching waaaay to much Will & Grace. Second, I don't give up. And if somebody wants to accuse me of being a quitter, then I might as well just throw in the towel right now!

Everybody worries about something. What do you worry about?
I tend to worry about worrying. Like, what will I do if I don't have something to worry about? Or what if what I'm worrying about isn't really what I should be worrying about, and I'm neglecting to worry that which really deserves my worry.

Do you prefer to have friends of the same sex or opposite sex? Why?
I prefer if we leave sex out of my friendships. Why are you so obsessed about this? Freud would have a field day with you, no doubt about it.

If you don't win this title, which contestant would you like to see win and why?
I'd prefer to see the competition implode upon itself never to be reconstructed, if its not possible for me to be the victor.

Should a titleholder who is religious share her faith in public on appearances?
I've done extensive study on this issue, and I have to tell you that "religious" is a complex word created from the Greek root "reli" which means "to trust" and from where we get our word "rely." It also includes the root "Gio" from the Latin which means "earth," and from where we get our word "Inexpensive Chrevrolet Hatchback." Finally, it includes the Hebrew suffix "us" which means "you and me" and is most commonly identified with the Family Ties theme song, What Would We do Baby, without Us, Shananana. So, in conclusion, my answer would have to definitely be World Peace.

What makes you angry?
Carrot Top.

What makes you cry?
A jab in the eyeball with a sharp stick usually does the job.

Have you ever had a boyfriend reject you? How did you handle it?
No. I'm not gay. No matter what that guy who rejected me is claiming.

Who is Vice-President of the United States?
Again, nice try. YOu can't trick me. We won't know who the Vice President is until April 15, when Donald Trump makes his choice from the remaining contestants.

What teams played (will play) in this year's Super Bowl?
Duke will play Georgia Tech.

What is your favorite football team. (Be prepared to explain if you pick a team other than your state's team.)
When picking my favorite team, I have a few simple rules:



• Any team with an animal as a mascot is out...Meat is murder, people! When will you realize this?!?!


• Any team with an aggressive mascot is out, given my well established stand being in favor of world peace. So any cowboys, Indians, titans, Raiders, Giants, etc., will not be considered.


• The Browns are out, because Brown is last year's eggplant. It is just not a flattering color.


• I don't want to be identified with a golddigger, and I don't need any more credit problems so no to the 49ers and the Chargers, so I'm only left with the theologically-correct team in the field...the Saints.


Tell us about your family...
I have a family. We share a home. We have a common last name. We can be identified by similar physical characteristics, most likely explained by the passing on of genetic code through DNA replication involving simple genetic theory.

Who is your family's "black sheep" and why?
We've never named our black sheep. Primarily because he's not a pet. He's more of a cash crop for us. He faithfully provides three bags of wool for us. One for the master. Another for the dame. And of course, we cannot forget the one for the little boy, who happens to live down the lane.

And by the way, those three bags are full...none of those half-full bags that white sheep are known for all too often.

If you were married and caught your husband in adultery, how would you handle it?
Again...not gay. I have heard from experts though that adultery is almost always going to lead to the spouse cheating on you.

If you could spend a Saturday reading a novel or playing a sport, which would you pick and why?
Well, I'd pick my novel, of course. It's really funny how lint can get in there, even though I shower every day, and even try to clean it out.

Describe your community.
As an advocate for world peace, I'd like to remind you that the USA deated community in the cold war and its always right to fight for democracy in the face of community dictators like Saddam Hussein.

Why would anyone want to visit your community/state/country?
I wish you would listen. Ours is not a community state. And I don't much care for country after the way the Dixie Chicks talked about our president.

How do you relax?
One word. Two syllables. Pingu!

What did you do to prepare to enter this pageant?
Through a varied regimen of isolation, self-flagellation, sensory deprivation, abstinence, periodic high colonics, a steady diet of Larry King Live, and counting Carbs.

Do you think young women who have cosmetic surgery should be allowed to compete in pageants against contestants who haven't had surgery?
You're really comparing apples and oranges here. I don't know why anyone would want surgery for their cosmetics when replacements are affordable and available. And for those ones who haven't had surgery, they need to decide if their options will help bring about world peace.

Is cosmetic surgery an unfair advantage in pageant competition. Why or why not?
I've already addressed this issue. Pay attention!

What do you look for in a friend?
generosity. Selflessness. An intense interest in investing in the lives of their close pals, financially and otherwise. Somone who doesn't expect a relationship to be "all about them," and doesn't mind if I do.

How would you resolve the Middle East crisis?
Well, I wouldn't use Resolve, I'd use OxyClean. But if all I had was Resolve, I'd just follow the instructions on the bottle.

In the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, should Israel concede more lands to the Palestinians to promote peace, even if it narrows the margin of secure land around the nation?
Did somebody just shine a bright light in my eyes? Who am I? Why am I wearing this evening gown?

What is the greatest crisis facing America?
I have just seen the movie "The Passion of the Crisis," and I have to tell you that my answer would accordingly have to be Jesus.

If you were elected president, name the most important change you'd make to our nation.
Oh, I've got ideas, baby:



• 12 hour workdays, three-and-a-half day weekends


• eliminating Nutrasweet, Equal, and Splenda. Mandatory Splenda implementation strategy.


• Bring back the Supersize to McDonalds
• 
  
• World Peace


Describe your future husband.
Dude, if you're not going to listen to me, I'm not going to keep playing along. I refuse to indulge your sick fantasy.

What do you look for in a man?
I'm going to pretend you didn't just ask that.

What is the one quality you wouldn't tolerate in a boyfriend or husband?
You. Cannot. Be. Serious.

There's a lot of "man-bashing" today. Why?
It all goes back to the Amazonian origins of the pinata. It's sordid, really, and better off if we leave that ugly chapter of history where it belongs. There really is no room for highlighting it in the serious discourse of world peace.

Name the woman you feel is the finest pageant titleholder role model and why.
Esther, of course. If you don't know why, you should read the book.

Who is Sandra Day O'Connor?
Isn't she the love child of Doris Day and The Rifleman?

Do we currently have a woman on the Supreme Court?
I'm pretty sure when Diana Ross gets out of jail for her DUI, the Supreme Court will be back in session.

Would a woman make a better - or worse - president of the United States?
Yes, a woman would make a better or worse president of the United States.

What do you think of Elizabeth Dole as a possible first female American president?
If the pineapple heiress can make time, I'm sure it would be worthwhile to consider her.

Given his admitted indiscretions in the Oval Office, should President Clinton resign?
I don't know about that, but I know that I'm not going to vote for him to be re-elected again.

Is adultery any reflection on a man's suitability for leadership positions? Why or why not?
Suitability is best reflected using a full-length mirror that can show whether or not the suit's cut is flattering to the individual. A suit's ability for leadership also is determined by the quality of the cloth, the measurement of the tailor, and the care and keeping of the suit wearer. So the fact that the suit is made for adultery and not for adolescentery matters little to the issue.

What is genocide?
I'm pretty sure that the name of the band Phil Collins used to play in.

Which of these women do you think was the best role model and why? Princess Diana...Mother Theresa...
I've never seen either of them model, but I'd have to think Princess Diana because it seemed like she was much more plugged in to the fashion world and would likely fit better into the role of a model.

If you could go back and start your life over again, what one thing would you do differently?
I would have picked "C" on number 17 of that one test. My life would be completely different, believe me.

By way of closing statement, I'd just like to say thank you for the opportunity to answer your questions, and I'd like to just close by saying this..."world peace."


*The one-word answer requirement precludes me from providing an explanation to the second part of your question. You thought you had tricked me. But you didn't.
**I was not paid for this, and it should not be construed as an endorsement, especially if that will hurt my chances of winning the sparkly tiara.