from the inbox:
The operator said "I'll be glad to help, Dear. What's the name and room number?" The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Holly Finkel in room 302."
The Operator replied, "Let me check. Oh, good news. Her records say that Holly is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday.."
The Grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news." The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Holly your daughter?"
The Grandmother said, "No, I'm Holly Finkel in 302. No one tells me jack squat."
*********************************** A boy had reached four without giving up the habit of sucking his thumb, though his mother had tried everything from bribery to reasoning to painting it with lemon juice to discourage the habit.
Finally she tried threats, warning her son that, "If you don't stop sucking your thumb, your stomach is going to blow up like a balloon."
Later that day, walking in the park, mother and son saw a pregnant woman sitting on a bench. The 4-year-old considered her gravely for a minute, then spoke to her saying, "Uh-oh...I know what *you've* been doing." *********************************** This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.
I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.
As a man, I don't scare easily.
But she scared me so much; I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned like a hootinanny, ruined the phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.
Women drivers ! *********************************** Drew and Timmy were brothers. One day Mom and Dad had to go into town. Dad told Drew, "While we are gone I want you boys to clear away the dirty dishes, clean your room, and mow the grass." When they returned nothing had been done. Dad was very upset. He asked Drew, "What have you been doing while we were gone?"
Drew replied in a low voice, "Nothing."
Dad then turns to Timmy and asks, "What have you been doing?"
Timmy replied, "Helping Drew." *********************************** Little Johnny was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living.
All the typical answers came up - fireman, policeman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, etc.
Little Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet, so the teacher asked him about his father. "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret. When he finishes his shift there, he works at the dump shooting rats that are sold to overseas restaurants."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took Little Johnny aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"
"No," said Little Johnny, "He works for the Kerry campaign, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the class." *********************************** Ida Mae passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911-operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator. Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive. "The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?" After a long pause, Bubba said, "How 'bout I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?" ***********************************