The following may be construed as bragging. It's not intended to be. It could be interpreted as sexist. It's not at all intended to be. It's just the thoughts I have on the very important matter of the need for dads in a child's life.
Studies claim that 30 percent of US homes with children don't enjoy the presence of a father. Millions of children have never even met their father, and millions more haven't seen their fathers in years. I believe these trends advance at the peril of our society.
Single parenting is difficult. I become a single parent one week a year as my bride goes to an annual writing assignment for her preschool Sunday school ministry, and I discover anew the amazing challenges that face a single parent. I am amazed at how they do it. Then I look at the statistics that show that the vast majority of juvenile crime, suicide, drug use, and pregnancy occurs in homes with only one parent. That's when I realize that single parents aren't doing the job that well.
I am extremely appreciative of what my wife provides my children. I believe she models to my daughters Christian womanhood. Because of her, my seven-year-old understands the difference between a woman and a lady. Because of my wife, she aspires to be the latter. My son has learned important lessons from my bride, such as you take off your ball cap when you kiss your momma. He also has learned that you never be embarrassed to hold your sister's hand and that you always hold a door for a lady. She's not the sole lesson-giver over these matters, and as a team we have been very effective (bythe grace of God).
In my seven years of being a dad (although I actually started the job 9 months prior to that, when we learned of Kaylyn's creation in Kelli's womb), I've come to appreciate with a deep sense of humility the responsibility that I have in being a dad to my children.
I don't necessarily buy in to the idea that some important roles are strictly gender-identified. For example, while Kelli is much more merciful than am I, our children know that they will be warmly embraced with an equal amount of love from either parent. They know that discipline will be meted out by either parent, should it be needed. They know that they cannot go to one parent than the other, trying to play one against the other. Consequences for such manipulation is swift and decisive.
That said, I do recognize that I bring things to the table that is child-rearing. I believe that it is my job to model the paternal nature of God to my children. I believe that my children, in their child-like ways, will form their understanding of God the Father based on my conduct as their earthly father. I bear the burden of being righteous, consistent, trustworthy, loving, merciful, and gracious to them. They need to see in me that I will protect them, provide for them, equip them, and encourage them. They must understand that I will sacrfice for them, I will hold them accountable, I will place expectations upon them, and I will trust them to make the right decisions. It is vital that in me, they see someone who accepts them, embraces them, corrects them, forgives them, and restores them.
My role is vital. And my children respond to my presence. One simple example can be seen in my daughter Kaylyn. She bravely joined a baseball team this fall, one of two girls on an all-boys' team. Her first two games were slightly discouraging, because she got one hit, thrown by a coach who I suspect was trying to make the other team's all-star roster, given the speed at which he hurled the ball. So we spent some time hitting and running to first base.
Let me make this clear...I am not a baseball player. The last time I played baseball competitively, I was 12 years old myself, and I quit on the first day of practice to focus on swimming. So her hope of success was not at all linked to my experience, knowledge, or acumen. It was just based on my presence and active participation in her life. It is impossible to quantify what she gained through the time invested in encouraging her, affirming her, motivating her, and keeping her focused. But let's put it another way...she's hit the ball every at-bat since then, and scored her first run and RBI last night.
Could her mother have done that? Undoubtedly, for my wife is gifted and talented and loves our children very much. In fact, she herself spends lots of time in the yard playing sports with the kids. But the point is, my daughter needed time with her daddy, to get help in a sport that is played with boys and coached by men.
Another example. This upcoming Sunday, I have the distinct honor to baptize my son Cotter. A few months ago, he placed the security of his eternal soul in the care of God through faith in Jesus of Nazareth. He didn't say it like that...he just came into the living room crying, saying, "I don't want to go to hell, and I don't know if I will."
He's five. But I'll tell you this. From the day we knew of his presence in Kelli's womb, I began praying for his salvation, just as I did for his older sister Kaylyn. I have prayed that God would save my children at a young age, so they could live long lives that would glorify Him. And just as with Kaylyn, God was faithful in answering my prayer for Cotter.
So that night, I had the honor of leading my son to faith in Jesus. I know that I bear the responsibility of being a faithful witness to my children. Could Kelli do that? Undoubtedly. She's led numerous people to faith in Jesus as the Christ, and was an integral part of communicating God's truth that night. But I believe there are two things that she cannot do when it comes to the spiritual development of my children. She cannot show my son what it means to be a godly man, and she cannot demonstrate by example to my daughters the type of godly men they should marry. Those investments belong to me.
One final example, with my youngest child, my daughter Kelsi. When I come home each day, I am the recipient of the unbridled joy of my children who rush out to greet me with a hug and a kiss. I start to look forward to the event the moment I leave the front entrance of my work, even though the meeting is still about 30 minutes away. When it finally happens, Kelsi rushes toward me yelling with glee "daddy daddy daddy!" I bend down, scoop her up, and she flings her arms around me so tightly that she actually grunts. She's usually patient enough to let me greet the rest of the family and get changed out of "work clothes," but it's not long before she's running up, looking for a wrestling match or a tickle fight.
Can my bride do these things? Undoubtedly. She often does, and the children greet her with equal affection and glee. But Kelsi has learned that her daddy is a fun-loving person, who delights just to be in the present of his little girl.
I declare again that this is no self-congratulatory self-indulgence. I am not the perfect father. I have lost my patience with each of my children. I have not always been fair, and I have made mistakes. I have had to apologize to my children -- for my words, for my behavior, for things they've witnessed that I didn't necessarily think they'd witness. This is just an acknowledgment that men are vital in the lives of children. Dads are one-half of an irreducible formula in the needs of child development.
Millions of books have been sold and tens-of-millions of dollars have been collected around the industry of the absent or deficient dad. Psychologists have created an industry around "healing the father wound," under the premise that every dad injurs his children -- emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and even possibly physically. It's epidemic.
My spirit resonates with my male lineage, and I believe that this is according to God's design. When my paternal great-grandfather died when I was 5 or 6, my paternal grandfather when I was fifteen. As an adult, one of my few laments in life is that I did not have the pleasure of knowing these men as adults and learning from them. When I was 20 or so, I wrote a letter to my grandmother about what it means to me to be McAnally. Those characteristics are even more true today, a dozen years later. I hope to imbue those same elements in my children.
But I also had the blessing of coming to faith in Jesus around the same time I wrote that letter, and in the process, came under the paternal influence of Sam, my father-in-law. A wise, humble man of God, Sam has shaped my maturity in an undeniable way. As such, it has influenced what it means to "be" McAnally, for me and my progeny.
What's funny (in a self-deprecating aren't-I-pathetic? sort of way), is that I often feel as though I'm a poor facsimile of my forebears, both physical and spiritual. Yet, that which is within me that identifies me is as real and vital and essential as my DNA, and that will transmit to those who come behind me, based upon how I make it available to them to receive.
So, imperfect as I am, I bring much to the table for the benefit and development of my children. God entrusts a husband and father with much opportunity, responsbility, and accountability when ordains a man to these titles. Before men can get terribly vocal about the honor due them, though, men need to shoulder their call rather than shirk it, and commit to male-valued parenting for the sake and identity of their children.
September 24, 2004 1:09 PM