Spare Change

Jesus of Nazareth with the Kung Fu Grip

Posted by Bryan

The following is an edited re-post from April 21, 2005, primarily to give context to a post that will follow this one (chronologically, although it will eventually precede it visually). My archives are messed up. I can find this in my authoring site, but not online. In a Kaufman-esque turn, you will read how this repost is a repost of an original post from November 18, 2002, due to prior technical difficulties. I know, I have lulled you to sleep with this explanation. Let's continue, shall we?

A company has come out with fully pose-able biblical figures of Jesus, Moses, David, and Mary (the virgin mother, not the Magdelene demoniac, although if you were to pretend otherwise when you begin playing, who's going to know the difference?). Jesus & crew are all Caucasian, which is always anglo-rific. Peter appears to be diapered, which either might offend some Petrine devotees or encourage the gerontologically-minded activists with this proactive-but-inappropriate presentation of possible adult incontinence. And if you are up to the challenge of overcoming self-inflicted stumbling blocks, you can always give your kids the not-to-scale Jonah and the Big Fish figurines, and later work up your explanation about how neither Jonah nor the fish were likely smiling when they met.

A while back, I poked some good-natured fun at the Scripture Tea product. A person closely involved in the creation of this product contacted me personally to share disappointment that I chose to share my opinion. I will say for the record that my jocularity is at the expense of the kitch and it is not directed at those responsible for it. I cannot and will not judge motives, for I do not know the people of what compels them to create these items.

So here's my real problem, and I'm not trying to be provocative with this rhetorical device. My consternation is genuine:

Are kitch-manufacturers guilty of taking the Lord's name in vain when they propagate their wares?

Christ kitsch is fascinating, primarily because it highlights the silliness of man trying to "capture" the ways, means, and things of God.

The Hall-o-Fame case study is the entire Jesus Sports Figurine line. For exactly that reason, here's my old blog post (dated Nov. 18, 2002) reposted here because my old blog's format is shot, poking fun at that line:

what's the matter Billy, can't reach it? Jump higher, Jump! Jump!

After the game, Jesus will have to explain to Little League officials why no one chose to wear proper protective helmets or masks.

Mikey, everyone knows you can't tackle Jesus. Commit to the running back and force the play back to the inside where the linebackers can help you stop Christ's forward progress.

After you turn the other cheek, give him a judo chop to the larynx

Cross-checking Jesus is a 5 minute major penalty

shouldn't Jesus be running anchor?

While you kids may have your Nikes, Jesus is schooling you in sandals! Deal with that!

Thanks to his flowy robe, Jesus can show the girls how the pirouette creates the illusion of a flower in bloom.

4 out of 5 golf pros agree this probably won't help your swing.

I'm guessing Jesus is a spotter here, but it doesn't quite portray that too well.

Christ's knee and elbow pads are on under the robe. Trust me. The artisans considered putting them outside the robe, but eventually agreed that it would have made the figurine look silly.

You've read about him walking on water. Now, see him snow ski in sandals!

I think the figurine makers just started checking it in by this point. The only thing this has to do with Tennis is the girl carrying the racket. They could use this same figurine for Badminton or Championship Air Band Competition. Or this could be the commemorative figurine from the apocryphal story of Jesus curing the boy with the trophy-shaped head tumor.

November 29, 2007 7:50 AM | TrackBack