Spare Change

My Very Energetic Mother Just Sent Us Nine Pizzas...2003UB313

Posted by Bryan

Scientists have discovered a 10th planet in our gated community known as the solar system, proving that at least for the past thousand or so years, we don't know as much as we think we do....scientifically speaking, that is. This distant dirtball has been lovingly and thoughtfully labeled 2003UB313, possibly in homage to the rough timeframe Tony and I began considering the concepts of Undercover Brothers (interesting note from the post linked at the left: the guy who tried to draft Chris O'Donnell...Robin...in that fantasy football draft is now on staff with me...small world!).

Just FYI, the photo above illustrates a pretend view of the planet. The planet is the big thing in the foreground, and the bright shiny thing is the sun.....wayfaraway.

Let's all say it together.....Brrrr. As a tangent, how did Brrr become the agreed upon term for "Wow, it's really cold out here!!!" Is that as close as an onomatopoeia that we can make to the sound of chattering teeth? Much like how the gesture of rotating one's wrist to signal "roll down the window" has become irrelevant in the advent of power windows (albeit more communicative than the correlative gesture of of flexing the index finger to demonstrate lowering the belt-driven window), perhaps the time for "brrr" has passed. I don't know...I'm just thinking out loud here...but not really, because I'm not talking. I'm all by myself, but I am typing, like I'm talking to my computer. But it never talks back. So really it's like I'm talking to you, imagining that you're talking back. And if that's true, you're probably saying something like, "Bryan, you've gotten sidetracked. You're way out there now. Like a distant planet or something..."

Which brings us back to 2003UB313.

In the process of discovering this new planet, they've ruined every mnemonic memory tool established since Capernicus. This fact alone illustrates that this distant planet needs to be named, although many scientists object to the rite of christening because even considering the very term "christening" may cede too much ground to the competing ideology of Intelligent Design, blur the lines between church and state, and indeed collapse the entire house of cards that is their framework of worship to the god Darwin.

Perhaps I exaggerate.

Regardless, since 2003UB313 doesn't exactly roll off the tongue, I'll field suggestions for a new name for our new planet. Without hubris, I offer the following for consideration:

• Mactopia


• Eugenica


• Earth, The Sequel


• Colorado Outpost 10


• North North Texas


• Bed, Bath, and Really Beyond


• GoldenPalaceCasino.Com


• The George W. Bush Interplanetary Welcome Center


• Better than Uranus


• Hoth


• Louie Giglio


• 2003UB317


• Coqueelaa

Vote for any of these, or add your own suggestions in the comments.

August 3, 2005 11:35 AM