November 15, 2005
An Important Medical DiscoveryPosted by Bryan
I've located where it is within the human body that the ego resides. Let me share how I made this discovery.
This past weekend I joined 49 fellow Christian brothers -- most of whom call First Baptist Church Grapevine their spiritual "home" -- in an overnight retreat at a nearby conference center. More details about this excellent experience later.
On Saturday, though, between sessions of applying God's truth to our lives, we met out on a nearby field to recreate. We numbered off "ones" and "twos" to play a game of softball. It was just like regular softball, except that every other inning everything reversed for the offensive team -- if you normally bat left, you now bat righthanded. If you are fortunate to get a hit, you run to third instead of first.
It was tremendous fun. Much laughter ensued as our men took awkward swings, stumbled clumsily halfway to first before peeling leftward toward third hoping to beat the throw.
Now, let me pause to note that I have a competitive streak in me. It used to be the real pleasant type of competitive streak that was so pronounced that my own team hated to play with me because I would gripe and chew on my own teammates for mistakes, as though the only thing keeping me from joining Jordan on the court was the salary cap, and not an extreme talent deficit. That streak has put its proverbial clothes on through the years, and I'm much less aggressive. I still want to win (all the time every time), and I'll play my hardest and want my team to do the same, but I'm much more pleasant if I don't happen to win.
Now that I'm done with that color commentary, back to the game.
I didn't go to bat until the second inning, because I didn't want to be pushy or to come across like I thought I could give A Rod competition in MVP balloting. In fact, I was a little nervous because, apart from working with Kaylyn & Cotter in their fall leagues over the past few months, I hadn't swung the bat against real opponents for about 20 years.
At least I was in the normal inning instead of a wacky one where I had to further handicap myself by swinging from the nondominant side. My first hack was pathetic. I looked like a honey-covered Danny Tario with a swarm of angry bees joining me on Dance Fever. I did eventually get a hit, though. A single. The next guy up got a single, advancing me to second. The next guy got a hit, sending me to third.
Then came the overthrow.
So, I decided to stretch it out and score.
I rounded third, and headed home. About halfway home, my right quadricep apparently changed its mind and tried to return to third.
Everything slowed to quarter speed, at least in my mind.
Help me, I'm falling! I thought.
And yet I kept running.
My arms began to flail, all windmill-like, as though I were Wile E. Coyote just four steps past the cliff's ledge.
With arms splayed akimbo (which is in no relation to either Dikembe Mutombo nor Fennis Dembo, both athletes who would never fall clumsily like I was doing), I fell upon my chest, my face, with only my pride to break my fall.
The poor little dude never stood a chance.
Ever the competitor, I noticed the game was still in play, so I decided to literally drag myself to home plate and try to score. So I thrust out my right arm -- which was only slightly bleeding from the Texas-sized abrasion -- dug it into the earth and pulled myself forward. I looked like Captain John H. Miller making certain with my very last breath that Private James Francis Ryan would indeed be saved because that's what Spielberg had named the movie, after all. But still, I was not at home plate. So I thrust my left arm foward and made another small advance toward the fourth plate.
Still not there. But still not out.
So I tried one more time. Then I looked up.
I was still twenty feet away.
So I gathered my legs beneath me and lunged forward, amidst the encouraging cheers (or was it mocking laughter) of my team. Without the context of the immediate circumstances, I could have easily been confused as the literal runner-up in the 2005 Drunken Stumbler World Championship.
I staggered home and fell across home plate. I tried to laugh along with my friends, but found that my inability to intake oxygen from the unbroken fall upon my face impeded that effort significantly.
So, today...three days removed, I count the cost:
- pulled quadricep
- skinned left knee
- skinned right elbow
- ambiguous pain along left side of torso, beginning at shoulder and extending to hip bone.
So this, I've discovered, is the home of the ego. Possibly beneath the rib cage, but definitely on the left side of the body. Perhaps it is the Remus to the heart's Romulus. Regardless, it cannot sustain a percussion of this magnitude without contusion. Treatment for a contused ego includes alternating ice and heat every twenty minutes, rest, and of course, isolation.
Help me remember next time Wesley's Law of Church Recreation which states that at all times in any event, the most likely person to be injured in church recreation is the person on church staff. Rumor has it that the Magnificent Slide as it is being called* has been recorded on video. If possible, I'll see if we can't find a way to share it here, for all to enjoy.
In closing, let it be noted that my team did in fact win the game.
*by me, and by all accounts, me alone.