December 2, 2005
Come to Russia, Home of Carnivorous SquirrelsPosted by Bryan
I'm a little off-put by the news of a pack of Russian squirrels killing and making a Sunday brunch out of stray dog.
Angry, hungry squirrels travelling in packs.
I've never seen more than three squirrels together, and usually they're chasing each other.
Now, they're banding together like the Sharks on a jazzy snap-filled fury to take down Tony. Although I doubt there is any dog/squirrel love story going on in a Tony/Maria fashion.
Anyway, you should be just as concerned as am I. Sure, this is going on in Russia. That's a long way away. And right now, they're only "terrorizing cats" and disemboweling dogs. And they're only doing it because they don't have any pine cones. But we don't have any guarantee that the pine cone shortage won't continue, and the number of Russian dogs and cats is a finite number, my friend. And once they've exhausted that supply, who's to say they won't get over their current apparent fear of humans (which really might just be an elaborate ruse to calm us into a false sense of security, once you consider that the dog probably felt pretty cocky about the squirrels history of being afraid of canines, up until they swarmed him like angry bees and started tearing at his mangy flesh), sneak on board international flights (since now we're allowing scissors and tweezers, so there's no telling how many squirrels can stow away on any given flight), and try a little Western homo sapien cuisine.
Just beware the next time you walk through the park. That's all I'm saying.
Actually, it's not. Because I'm reminded that when I was in college, my freshman year, I lived in a dorm room that was above the dorm cafeteria. So I could open my window a good five inches, and put my hand on the cafeteria roof. Not that I did, but I could. Anyway, squirrels used to scamper across the roof...that's why I'm telling you this.
One night, I ordered this large pizza from Blackjack Pizza...they made great pizzas at a price college kids could afford...love it. Lots of meat toppings. The plan was, I spend a little extra and have meals for the entire weekend. So that night, I eat three slices, leaving about three-quarters of the pizza for breakfast, lunch, and dinner the next day.
I wake up the next morning to have some of that pizza, and there's only half the pizza there. Three pieces missing. I literally thought I was in early stage alzheimers. I could not imagine what happened. Shrugging it off and assuming I might need to find out if I was eating in my sleep, I had breakfast...three more pieces. Leaving three pieces.
That mid-morning, I'm laying on my bed, reading some homework, when all of a sudden, I hear this scritchscritch....scritchscritch. I look at my door to see if my dorm mates are messing with me. Nothing. I turn, and perched in my open pizza box is this squirrel...let's call him "Ben"...with one of the three remaining pieces, crust end between his little squirrel teeth, held in his paws, and he's scritchscritching across the greasy cardboard trying to lug it off. He was caught red-pawed...perhaps because of the tomato sauce...and suddenly frozen, as though if he didn't move, I wouldn't see him.
I smiled in an aww....isn't that cute? moment, and waited patiently until he was comfortable enough to continue with his deep dish larceny. Once he was out the window, I closed it behind him. I still needed lunch. I remember popping a bag of popcorn and emptying it outside my window for the other squirrels, in case this one was going back to the squirrel 'hood with tales about free pizza from room 203. I didn't want a bad reputation in the squirrel population, and I certainly didn't want them scritchscritching on my window all night. Now that I think about it, I may have taken the first step of ensuring my own safety.
Or I just gave them a taste for meat.
Now I realize that this plight isn't isolated to Russia. Fourteen years ago, I was witness to the whetting of the carnivorous appetites of the domestic squirrel. That was a warm happy memory until now, when I have the context of fear spoiling it like an extra layer of pepperoni gone bad.
Keep your pets locked in the house at night, friends and neighbors, and pay attention to that commotion in the trees. I have a feeling that once the North American squirrels run out of Pizza Hut coupons, none of us is safe.
*photo of menacing pizza-eating squirrels courtesy of Scary Squirrel World where they answer important questions like, Are there squirrels in heaven? to the bad midi file of Amazing Grace. Thank you.