Spare Change

The Slippery Slope of the Wintry Season

Posted by Bryan

The predilection of the day seems to be evolving toward an obtuse effort to be so socially inoffensive during this Christmas season that the results border on the ludicrous.

In the the Wall Street Journal's Best of The Web on 12/7, Taranto's squad links to the Houston Symphony's histrionic effort to avoid Christological terms, even in promoting Handel's Messiah.

So, by the time I arrived at their bottom story of the day (which is not to be confused with their other bottom story of the day, I assumed I was reading the entry stanza of the neoclassic poem, Twas the Night before Holiday.

It was close to midnight on Sunday and Jill Pagan--who practices paganism and calls herself a witch--was getting settled into bed when she heard a crash. It sounded like something might have fallen.

While I may have been wrong about this, I nonetheless am inspired.

Twas the Night before Holiday

Twas the night before holiday and all through the domicile Nothing was doing anything, not for a long while.

No stockings were hung, the chimneys were bare
No fears of home invading strangers could be found there.

The pre-adults did as they chose; just as they please
So as not to impinge their civic autonomies.

Cohabiting adult and I, not at all budging
From legally protected plans; stop just stop with your judging.

Outside, a loud sound exposed all the flaws
In the community's noise ordinance laws.

I investigated, as any good citizen would
But who am I to tell others to do as they should?

Outside, things were happening as they occasionally do
Non-religiously specific activities, for niether Christian nor Jew

Then, I happened to personally observe...
Was that an endangered specie from the nearby preserve?

An octet of caribou shackled to a sleigh
Engineered by an Antarctic-American, negotiating its way.

I knew in a moment, despite all apprehension
That this was not good; it overwhelmed me with tension.

Exceeding the speed limit, it coursed toward me so swift
I pined for a public safety officer, one working the night shift.

With condescension and oppresion he called the caribou by slave names
Terrorized and terriffied, they submitted to his cruel games.

The manner in which the sleigh swayed, swerved and aired
I knew the sleigh's operator was certainly impaired.

Without a warning the vehicle suddenly took flight on a launch
My objection was stern, dare I say it was quite staunch.

Disregarding personal property and damaging our roof
He prepared for a crime, and I bore witness to the proof.

As I heard his calamaties above, I was suddenly conflicted
What drove him to larceny? How had his rights been restricted?

As I turned to find way to apologize sincerely
I found him standing behind me, grimacing austerely.

He was covered in fur, from his hat to his boots
Clearly he was not one of PETA's recruits

Over his shoulder, he was burdened by an oversize sack
I offered to relieve him of it, and provide him a snack.

He passed on the soy milk and tofu dessert squares
And convicted me of ethnocentricity; I could tell from his glares.

I pitied this Arctic wretch, surely driven to such schemes
Made destitute by corporate America and robbed of his dreams.

Driven to redistribute wealth, like Robin Hood not knowing what to do.
By the way, his midsection shook like a bowl of gelatinous goo.

Morbidly overweight and addicted to smoking
I doubt if he could make it through the night without croaking.

He opened his bag and attempted to give gifts to our clan.
How could we take after taking so much? We'd have none of that plan.

So I opened my wallet and gave all of my stash.
Then wrote out a check, pay to the order of "Cash."

He said not a word, but shook his head with dismay
And pocketing my benevolence, he went on his way.

I watched him climb in this sleigh and advance his crime spree
And I pitied him deeply and thought, "that could just as well have been me."

Under unhindered compulsion, I exclaimed aloud with his vault
"Carry on brave soul, we know it's Bush's fault!"

December 9, 2005 11:49 AM