Spare Change

Thall Shalt Not Give Thy Child a Bad Baby Name

Posted by Bryan

In honor of Jen & my secretary, who are both expecting, I offer a few helps in naming your baby when planning for the arrival of their bundle o' joy:

1. Don't name your child after an obscure comic book reference, a la Kal El Cage, actor Nicolas Cage's boy (who, ironically, should have known better).
2. No terrorists dictators, or megalomaniacs -- Osama, Saddam, Adolph, Napoleon (see next rule for the double whammy on this one)
3. Refuse to name your child after a quirky, but memorable movie character -- Napoleon, Ferris, Zoolander, and Wolverine all come to mind as names to eschew.
4. Also eschew names like Eschew.
5. Avoid girly-sounding names for boys -- Bailey, Lynn, and Charmaine
6. JRR Tolkien and CS Lewis were excellent storytellers, but are poor baby namers. Accordingly, your child shall not be named Legolas, Gandalf, Pippin, Bilbo, Aslan, Ginarrbrik, and certainly not Gollum nor Mr. Tumnus.
7. Children are not numbers, so don't name them as such. Nix Sequel, Trilogy, Deuce, Trey, Quatro, Ocho, and Millenia.
8. Be aware of cruel irony. Dads, if you want to ensure your daughter will be on one of those "gone wild" Spring Break videos, name her Chastity. Also potentially retributive are Serenity, Joy, and Celibacy.
9. Refuse to name your child after a celebrity or athlete. We really don't want an emerging generation of our future leaders to bear this stigma. Do you really want to read the headline, "President Lohan Jones Defies Congress?" Likewise, stay away from names like Jolie, Duff, Aniston, Cruise, Travolta, and Vin Diesel.
10. It may be tempting to name your child something complex, thinking you'll then give that child a nickname; e.g., "Her name is Xochiquetzal, but we just call her "Chi Chi." Well, you may call her Chi Chi, but odds are good she'll be calling the Severe Depression Hotline.
11. Be aware what your child's name means, either historically or in another language. For example, my name (Bryan) means "king." Cool...good job folks. You may like the name Bert, but in German the word means "complete idiot." Do you hate you child? Why would you do that to him?
12. Some names sound like prescription medicines. Halcyon, Zetia, Soma, Reglan, Levitra, Dilantin. Wait...those are drug names. And remember what First Lady Nancy Reagan said about drugs/drug-baby names: Just Say No.
13. Speaking of drug-baby names, avoid hyphenating your child's name. We see a lot of this in celebrities' names today. Hyphens are for feminist-minded surnames or for compound adjectives. Not for first names. If you want to give your child 2 or more first names, great (but please don't). But if you do, please don't hyphenate them: Mark-Paul, Casey-Jo, Todd-Todd, or Mary-Kate-and-Ashley. Remember, if it is a punctuation mark, it doesn't belong in a name.
14. Beware of bad name combinations. Your baby boy Sam is precious, but your daughter cannot be named Ella, because figuring out how to introduce them will either be forever difficult, or nausea-inducing. Other bad combos are "Halle" and "Tosis," "Carson" and "Ogin," and "Pontius" and "Pilate."
15. If anyone would be an advocate of biblical names, it'd be me. But my own wife had to veto my plans to name my first two sons "Zebediah" and "Zedediah." If you want to be Scriptural, that's fine, but stick to standards like Matthew, Peter, Luke, and Abednego.
16. If your last name is also a common-language word, don't be cute or clever with it. Mister and Missus Waters, don't name your boy Stormy, because your forcing him to become either a crab boat captain or a weekend meteorologist in a small market morning news show. Dad, get over the fact that your own parents named you "Yellow," go back to your job at the water treatment plant, and commit to naming your boy Chet.
17. Don't be a slacker. Nicknames come naturally, so don't deny your child the opportunity to get one by naming your child the nickname from birth, such as Jack Jackson, Mac McAnally, John Johnson, or Martha Marthanton.
18. A recent American Idol contestant led us to remember to always think about how the first name sounds with the last name. "Will" is a beautiful name, but not for the "Makar" family, unless you want to subject your son to an Internet full of bloggers who will call him "Wilma."
19. There is a whole menu of girl names that came into being because a dad had his heart set on a boy and when the little lassie joined the clan, a disappointed dad just slapped an "a" or other feminine sound at the end of the chosen boy's name. Don't make your daughter feel like you settled for her but wanted a boy. This is what happens when you choose Erica, Juana, Roberta, Markette, or Timothyish.
20. Maiden names as first names work but are tricky. We ourselves have "Cotter," who we are constantly having to say, "No, not Conner, it's Cotter, with two tees." Mrs. Jones nee Wyzniewski, think long and hard before you drop that bomb on Junior's future.
21. Don't name your child after a mineral or a woodgrain. Mahogany, Cherry, Birch, Granite, Pyrite, and Stone Phillips are all kitchen laminates or office furniture choices, not names.
23. Consult the Urban Dictionary for hidden pitfalls of current slang subterfuging your child's name. Jace is a safe example. Be prepared to be shocked for what you my find for your own child. But after you wash your eyes out with soap, thank the Internet for helping you avoid that life-landmine.
24. Remember both "The Name Game" and any rhyming word. I'd give you examples, but you either already know them, or I'd be leading you down the wrong path, and I don't want to do that.

I'm sure this list is not exhaustive, but I'm exhausted. As I do with all my friends, I leave with two final nuggets of advice.

1. Go to Bad Baby Names. This compendium can help you more than I ever could. Also cool is this place that shows you the popularity of the chosen name through the years.


2. Don't tell anyone your choice until your precious cargo is out of the womb and in your arms. If you reveal a name before the baby is born, you'll be subjected to all sorts of furrowed brows and cocked heads, like the person is Lassie, trying to hear if Timmie has fallen in the well again. You are far better off waiting, because then the world is forced to accept the name you bequeath when you announce, "I now present Magneto-Plavix Smith, but we plan to call him "To-pla."

Now, go and name your child well.