March 25, 2006
Most WantedPosted by Bryan
Like most people, I decided to check out the FBI's 10 Most Wanted Fugitives while waiting for my hard drive to defragment (the first time I've done this in 3 years). You never know when you might stumble upon a picture that makes you say, "Hey, that's Uncle Larry!" or maybe discover that the guy in charge of your congregation's finances is wanted for extortion in 13 states.*
This little foray into the dark world of crime is also my way of introducing a new Spare Change Category -- List of the Day. We'll see how long it lasts (Remember the brilliant, but quickly-extinguished single-entry "In the Car In Front of Me" category? Me too. Tear drop. Some of the most beautiful butterflies just live too closely to the flame.) I understand this requires me to come up with 365 lists**, but the whole point is to write more frequently. And what better way to do something grand than to poke a little fun at the guys most likely to not want to stand out in a crowd.*** This, of course, makes me wonder if our top felons ego search, just to see what's being said about them. I bet Bin Laden does. What else does he have to do with his time other than try to find WiFi in the Pakistani mountains and find out what bloggers are writing about him?
Meet Donald Eugene Webb. He's a serious criminal -- allegedly killed a police chief. But there's more to the man than brutal homicide, and I quote: "Donald Eugene Webb, who is considered a career criminal and master of assumed identities, specializes in the burglary of jewelry stores. He is reportedly allergic to penicillin, a lover of dogs, a flashy dresser and a big tipper." He also likes pina colatas, and getting caught in the rain.
Another Fugitive whose description reads like an akward dating ad is James J. Bulger. Though he'd never admit it, I suspect that Christopher Walken drew his inspiration for The Continental from Mr. Bulger.
This is Glen Stewart Godwin. What is it about including the middle name that makes a person more felonious? Without "Stewart," this is just Glen Godwin, the guy who borrowed your lawn edger a month ago and still hasn't returned it. Add Stewie to his name and now he's a murdering, drugged-up prison Houdini.
Victor Garena's situation isn't hard to figure out. He robbed $7 million in 1983 and they're still looking for him. Have you seen Face Off? Victor is now Cy Moskowitz, sipping iced tea on the beaches of Boca. And don't worry, he's got the dinner tab tonight.
Genero Espinosa Dorantes....has been captured. I'm really not sure how to interpret this: it could be a warning to the other nine, in case they are trolling the FBI website; it could be a filler until they get the results from the "FBIdol" finale; or they're just trying to distract attention from the fact that Garena's been wanted for 23 years.
Diego Leon Montoya Sanchez a drug kingpin known for employing rightwing fundamentalists as well as leftist rebels. Sure, you could look at the negatives -- he manufactures tons upon tons of cocaine. He'd probably want you to instead acknowledge his commitment to bring opposing parties to the table to rally around a common cause.
Say "hi" to Jorge Alberto Lopez-Orozco. But you can call him "Pepe." I wouldn't recommend it, though.
Just for the record, 9 of the 10 fugitives are 6-foot-tall or shorter....a local radio station morning team hypothesizes that most criminals are short. Any theories to this, which is at least anecdotally supported here?
The FBI promises that the list is not a ranking, but I think when Bin Laden's head on a platter is worth 25 million noodles, and the other guys are only worth $100 K, that's kind of an implied ranking.
Why aren't there any Title IX arguments for equal representation by women? Only seven women since 1968? What about Becca Watkins? In 1983, The Madonna-obsessed vixen claimed to love me only to later that day kiss my best friend Alan Wietz, just as I walked out of 5th period 7th-Grade English with Mr. Ghirardelli(who interestingly changed his name from Gardella earlier in the year because he apparently got in touch with his heritage). I don't know the statutes of limitations on cruelty to a small animal, but she intentionally abused my puppy love, and I want justice.
Contrary to popular belief not only is Simon Cowell not on the list, he also has no say who is placed upon it....even if you, too, think Paula Abdul is guilty of crimes against humanity.
*That's not the case in our church. We have lots of security measures, checks & balances, and protections in place to ensure extortionists would have a very difficult time serving on our finance committee.
**excluding weekends, holidays, periodic mid-week Sabbath observances, birthdays, vacations, and occasional leaves-of absence.
***that being said, I'm not trying to get myself hurt here.
March 25, 2006 9:49 AM