Spare Change

This Week in RTV

Posted by Bryan

Have you ever seen one of those soap operas where they take a lead actor, slap on a cheesy beard and moustache with stage glue, make him wear a dark wig, introduce him as a new character like "Chance Storm, Blake's Evil Twin," and expect you to totally believe it?

Yeah, me neither.

I'm convinced that's what's going on with The Amazing Race this season.

I think Phil's just trying to spice things up after doing this race this almost a dozen times, so he convinced the producers to allow him to dive in as "Lake" and bring along his "wife" "Michelle" (who I think we'll one day find out was a PA on Survivor and got this gig as a transfer). What do I base this on? Well, for one thing, it's obvious...

And for another thing, what do you do with a Lake after you're done with it?

You phil it.

And "Michelle?" Think about it...Michelle...My Shell...Another clever reference to his facade, a duplicitous sham of indulgence for the bored host.

I also suspect that "Lake" is an off-hand reference to the characterization of the Southern male stereotype as chauvinistic pond scum. If Lake were a real person and not Phil just overacting, I'm sure he would in no way behave as Phil portrays him.

It's no coincidence that "Lake" and "Michelle" haven't come in first. It's all being manipulated by trick photography and a complicit cast of contestants who have no doubt been forced by Les Moonves himself to sign non-disclosure contracts.

My logic is impeccible. Don't try to deny it.

Moving on to American Idol...A pretty rough week, to be sure. A consortium of NASA scientists, MIT professors, Carrie Underwood and Toby Keith are trying to figure out how Bucky has made it another week. Lisa unfortunately passed through to that realm of post-Idol celebrity that will cause us to one day pass by her in an airport and say, "She looks familiar. Hmmm....." and then forget because our order is up at the Starbucks counter. It's a shame too, because she is so much more likable than Paris. And now that America has proven that like-ability isn't going to be a factor, Misspickler's days....well, they're numbered.

One more thing. I'm pretty sure this is the first time I've worshipped while watching American Idol. With her rendition of Shackles, Mandisa got me to do something no Televangelist has ever accomplished...raised my hands and shout "Amen!" For that, she'd get my vote, if I did...which I don't. Simon called her performance indulgent. I disagree. I'm sure Simon will console himself over this difference of opinion as he falls asleep on his bed full of $100 bills by blowing his nose into the disposable box of $50 bills he uses for tissue.

Finally, Survivor. Mr. Miyagi decided to make his bed in the insane asylum and cast his votes with Tribe Crazy. Me? If I were Lord of the Flies, I would have made the appeal to everyone else...out in the open...that none of them would want Shane on the jury. Instead, the rest of Tribe Crazy deferred to the one guy who most reminds me of Ed the insane hyena from the Lion King*. Terry, for all his gamesmanship excellence, misplayed that hand. Now, from the look of previews, he's gone to the island's Desperation Point, and is even doing the crazy talk of offering the Immunity Idol. I've really decided I don't like this season, because Terry's the only one apparently capable of having cogent thought. I think I keep watching because of the possibility of sudden Dawn of the Dead-like cannibalism that could happen at any given moment.

I've given up on the Apprentice. I've decided I was offended by Donald's naming of his son Barron as the winner, even though the infant isn't even out of the hospital and the season isn't even halfway over.

Likewise, I watched a couple segments of the Unan1mous show and decided that the only strategy is to play hardball and determine that if nobody's voting for me, then nobody's getting anything. Oh, and when I found out it was several weeks with the same cast of get-rich-quickigans, I begged off. I've pretty much filled up my dance card with season long reality casts. All I'm willing to accomodate now are single-episode wannabes, like they were on a reality-TV show based on The Love Boat.

Oooooh, there's an idea...

*which has been a phenomenal Broadway play, featuring none other than....Lisa Tucker. And a river runs through it. Or at least a dirty New York City gutter filled with polluted water and refuse.

April 1, 2006 9:02 AM