Spare Change

Pickler, A Little Bit Country; Daughtry, A Little Bit Rock 'N Roll

Posted by Bryan

Last night's AI was an exercise to see how bad of an episode they could air and still come in #1. Bucky can thank the producers for their decision to float him a one week Visitors pass until he has to return home. I think Paris, Taylor, and Elliot were the weakest. But I've decided that I just don't much care for Paris or Elliot. Although even mentioning Elliot's name causes me to do my E.T. impersonation and reminisce about seeing that movie in the theater. When the pleasant little alied flatlined, my older brother shoved his hand under my eyeglasses to see if I were crying. Luckily, I wasn't; for if I had, I'm sure a beating was soon to follow.

Good times.

But I digress.

Meanwhile, Kenny Rogers displayed the disturbing effects of too much time under the Roaster lamps. According to imdb, The Gambler's quickly approaching 70. Clearly, when it comes to aging naturally, he's the coward of the county. I also think his commentary was a little slanted. He went over the line when he said, "Chris (Daughtry) is taking a risk here. He'll either get it or he won't. I don't like him. He couldn't grow my beard if I dunked him in Rogaine. You shouldn't vote for him. You should vote for me to replace Paula."

Maybe he's depressed because he no longer runs his epynomous roasted chicken business. This site says the "chain" consists basically of 1 link. I'm sure there's a story here, but I already had spaghetti for dinner, so I'm not compelled to find out the rotisserie-turned truth.

This is how I prefer to remember Kenny, inasmuch as after he's gone, I mean. I like my old C&W singers to look like they could wrestle a grizzly bear and then do a Vegas floor show without missing a beat.

If last night's episode was completely Kenny Rogers-necessary, they should have made it the night of his songs. And by "his songs," I mean that these nine hits and only these nine hits should have been sung:

1. The Gambler


2. Through the Years


3. Lady


4. Coward of the County


5. She Believes in Me


6. You Decorated My Life


7. Daytime Friends


8. The Kenny Rogers Roasters Jingle*


9. The audio from the Kenny Rogers shoves cameraman incident

I still contend that Pickler, Mandisa, Bucky, and Taylor are all niche singers. And they'll be picked off accordingly. In the end, its a showdown between McPhee and Daughtry.

update: Upon review, I considered that there may not be an actual jingle for the Kenny Rogers Roasters Soon-to-be-Empire. So I thought I'd try out my jingle-writing skills:

On a warm summer’s evenin’ on a store sellin' chicken,
I met up with the gambler; we had both come here to eat.
So we took turns a starin’ out the sneeze guard o'er the roaster
’til roastin' overtook us, and he began to speak.

He said, son, I’ve made a life out of singin' country folk tales,
And knowin’ what herbs and spices would make a tasty bird.
So if you don’t mind my sayin’, I can see you’re wantin' supper.
For $6.99, I’ll give you a half a clucker, and two home-cooked sides.

So I handed him my debit card and he ran it through the register
Then he bummed a cigarette and asked me for a light.
And the night got deathly quiet, and his face lost all expression.
Said, don't worry 'bout the health inspector, she won't come here tonight.

You got to know when to turn ’em, know when to burn ’em,
Know when to add more tamarin and know when to....not.
You never count your chickens, before those eggs have hatched
There’ll be time enough for countin’ when the egg hatchin's done.

Now ev’ry gambler knows that the secret to rotisserie
Is knowin’ what to throw away and knowing what to keep.
’cause ev’ry chick a winner and ev’ry chick is dinner,
And the best that you can hope for is to sell to Nathan's Restaurants.

So when he’d finished speakin’, he turned back towards the sneeze guard,
Crushed out his cigarette and faded off to sleep.
And somewhere in the darkness the gambler, he got a face lift.
But in his final words, Ace Young found a song that he could sing

You got to know when to falsetto, know when to touch your scarred chest,
Know when to give that borderline creepy glare, and know when to hum.
You never talk back to Simon, when he's sittin' at the table
There’ll be time enough for backtalk when the season's done.

You got to know when to Nip ’em, know when to lift ’em,
Know when to Botox your face and know when to tuck.
You never count your wrinkles when you’re sellin' your chicken store.
There’ll be time enough for countin’ when the chicken's done.

*I apologize. This one should have been on this week's episode of The Apprentice.

April 5, 2006 8:52 PM