May 3, 2006
Sung to the Tune of You're BeautifulPosted by Bryan
Surprisingly, there doesn't appear to be a whole lot of overlap between their list and Time's top 100 most influential people in the universe.
Except that I'm apparently once again #101 on each of these lists.
To be honest, I didn't buy the issue to see the entire list. I have all my discretionary magazine dollars wrapped up in a long-term relationship with Airbrushed Vapid Celebrities Weekly.
I was surprised by their little expose' on celebrities with and without their makeup.
Here's singer James Blunt "keeping it real"...
and here he is for the People photo shoot:
Amazing!
Something else I find interesting...the 2006 list has 100 visages of perfection, but the 2005 list only has 50. I want to know the story behind the story. Was there a smaller beauty pool in 2005, or was the standard altered?
This reminds me of the time when I was in high school, and I took the ACT college tests. I got a 32. I felt pretty pleased with that score (although I can tell you that 16 years later, it has not benefitted me in any proportional measure to my pride at the time). Anyway, the next year, the ACT changed their standards so that average scores would increase, and a 32 in 1991 was equivalent to at 12 or 13 in 1990. Trained baboons from the class after me were bragging about scoring in the mid-to-high 30s.
All I can say is, the whole thing didn't leave me feeling very beautiful. And I hazard the guess that Julia Roberts just may have taken down her 2005 commemorative mirror when she saw the watered-down 2006 list hit the newstands.
And I don't blame her one bit.
You can go all the way back to 2004, to see who was beautiful then, but must be ugly now. In this regard, the lesson to be learned is that beauty, like a pride of hyenas, is susceptible to pack mentality, and as soon as you show signs of gray, wrinkles, or water retention, watch out because it's nothing personal when the gang is hungry, and the line between beautiful and edible is often blurry.
You know, I think I just got lost in that extended metaphor, and was only rescued by the distant voice of Marlin Perkins. I apologize for that. Let's just forget that previous paragraph and move on. Jim, fire up the Range Rover and release the cheetah, we've got more work to do.
For extra fun, you can take the Beautiful People Quiz....but there's really no sense in doing so, since I already did, failed miserably, and am about to mock it here...
First, we learn that JLo (a six-time MBPer, according to the stats) stays beautiful by getting lots of sleep. It helps that her mattress is a pile of freshly minted $100 bills. The new printing ink moisturizes her skin while she sleeps. It also is good to know that her music, acting, fashion, perfume, and divorcing-her-husbands empire can thrive despite sleeping two-thirds of every day.
Beyonce', who apparently needs an apostrophe at the end of her name because without it, it would just be silly, has a vice for popcorn shrimp and chocolate eclairs. She acknowledges this is "bad in this business." The "triple threat" entertainer (apparently because she is a dangerous singer, actor, and buffet diner) was beautiful in 2001, 2004, and 2006. After conferring with my team of crack statisticians, I've prepared the following chart for your benefit:
Patrick Dempsey, "Dr. McDreamy" on some show I've never watched, has said he'd change his legs if he could. I'm certain this because it is his legs that have been holding him back all these years. If he could only have George Clooney's legs....or Tyra Banks...boy, then everything could have been different.
Heather Locklear's nickname among friends is "Camel." That's supposed to be funny because she looks nothing like a camel. You see, beautiful people find irony humorous. Kinda like the one-armed pirate in my hometown we called "Cap'n Lefty." On the question for the former TJ Hooker star, I looked for the nicknames "Ex- Mrs. Lee" and Ex-Mrs. Sambora" but those weren't choices listed. I guess those are just nicknames given to her by the Ex- Mrs. Charlie Sheen.
Angelina Jolie says she feels the sexiest when she's tending to her son Maddox. Can I tell you how oogy that is to type that? She said it, I'm just reporting it! I say someone jumped a little deep into the Olympias role in Alexander. The fact that she'd profess this should DQ her from the list. Can you imagine the clamor if a dad..say Jude Law...said the equivalent about parenting a daughter?!? Insane. Definitely not beautiful.
Finally, Jessica Alba has determined that she's not taking off her clothes for any movie, a principle that's so important that she makes sure it's in writing. Because you know how tricky those Fantastic Four-type directors can be, when explaining the role of Invisible Girl. While I expect my own children's principle to include this standard (even contractually, if necessary), my hope is that this will not one day be their summa Magna Carta of ethical declarations.
I want to thank my stylists, publicists, agents, and hangers-on for a good run once again that fell just short. I'm off to my hyperbaric chamber for my daily 15 hours of sleep on the alpaca fur comforter under the nightly mask of Lebanon tree sap, Madder root extract, cocoa butter, and space-age rejuvenating polymer.
Right after I finish my midnight snack of popcorn shrimp-filled chocoloate eclairs.
May 3, 2006 2:28 AM