Spare Change

A Very Special Episode of E.R.

Posted by Bryan

Tonight I was certified as a practitioner in Cardio Pulminary Resusication. Even so, I'd greatly appreciate it if you would never behave in such a way that forces me to put my extensive training into effect, so as to save your life.

It's been years since I have received this training, and the nurse (who did an excellent job training, by the way) asked if I had ever done this before. Right there I had to decide whether or not I was going to be The Guy Who Makes Puns At Every Opportunity. I decided not to be That Guy, for the sake of the others in the room (and for the sake of my ministry, to be candid). Instead, I became That Guy Who Has To Ask A Hundred Questions Over the Course of the Training. Nurse Mary Beth encouraged me, saying, "There are no stupid questions." I actually laughed out loud when she said that, because clearly, she has no idea of my capacity to ask a stupid question. So I put her little theory to the test:

• We exhale Carbon Dioxide. How does that oxygenate the victim's lungs?


• Do I keep my hand on the forehead?


• What if I accidentally drool in the victims mouth when I'm breathing for him/her?


• Can the victim sue me if I shake him/her too hard?


• Isn't it just a little too Verizon-y to ask "Can you hear me now?"


• Wow...this baby's tiny. What can I do to make sure I don't crack this little dude's breastbone open like a fortune cookie?


• Okay...he's still tiny. Is there any risk of me blowing too hard into his tiny lungs and popping them like a helium baloon on a sunny day?


• Babies are slippery...but it wouldn't be the worst thing ever if I accidentally dropped the baby because that might actually like "jump start" the system again....right?


• What happens if I lose count on how many cycles? Do I start over?


• If 911 doesn't answer, can I call 411?


• What does it mean that I saw my Resusi-baby swallow a quarter, but it spit out 2 dimes and a nickel?


• What would Brittney Spears do in this situation?


• Have we seen this American Heart Association narrator on some other TV program?


• Will my CPR card give me a discount at either Starbucks or Barnes & Noble?


• I'm a bit of a prude. If the woman is choking, I'm a little uncomfortable wrapping my arms around her. Is it okay if I just try to scare her, kinda like if she had the hiccups?


• If I perform CPR on a buddy at a football game or at the golf course, and he recovers...do I still have to call 911 right away, or can we wait until after the game's over? What about if he doesn't recover?


• Would it be appropriate to tell the EMT that the situation is "as serious as a heart attack" if the situation does not include an actual heart attack?


• Will we receive training today on how to give CPR to a pet, such as kitties, hamsters, or the family dog?


• Speaking of this, is it possible to give a fish CPR?


• What do I do if in real life, something like this happens when I whacked Resusi-Baby on the back and his head popped off like a frog on a skillet?


• Is it okay if, when the victim is resuscitated, that I do a crazy "HE'S ALIVE!" cackle, like Dr. Frankenstein does in the movie?


• Now, if I get 10 punches on this card, how to I get my free DVD rental?


• Are we allowed to take Annie home?"

Hmm...maybe I was the first That Guy after all. It seems a lot more obvious now than it did then.