I could not begin to say thank you enough to all of you who have reached out to us in response to my mom's death. Your care, concern, love, and prayers have sustained us.
We have good days and not so good. I know I said this earlier. But it's still true, so there you go. Sleep continues to be erratic.
Just last night Kelsi said at bedtime, "my heart feels empty with Gigi gone." Yeah, that's pretty horrible to have to hear your 4-year old say.
I don't know if I'm dealing with it normally or not...I don't really know what "normal" is. Kelli and I talk about it a lot. But there's a lot of time where I don't want to talk about it. Or even think about it. So I conscientiously avoid thinking about it. Because I know it will be there waiting for me when my scenic journey through mental distraction pulls back into home port.
Mom's pictures arrived that we used for the funeral, and I don't really want to put them up. Not now. Maybe in time.
The lousy thing about mourning is that it sneaks up on you. The "big things" are easy to prepare for and deal with. It's the little things, though, that jump out and derail an otherwise good and productive day. Thinking randomly that I need to call mom to tell her about something, or hearing someone casually mention death or killing. Then I get frustrated for thinking those things. Like my brain cannot catch up with reality.
So this is what I do...stay busy...try to go to bed at a decent hour...get up when I cannot sleep, and divert my attention until exhaustion settles upon me.
August 22, 2006 4:25 AMOh my precious friend.....from one who has walked this road I offer an unprofessional diagnosis. You are normal :-)
The little things are the ones that sneak up and steal your peace when you least expect it. The car that looks like hers, the scent of her perfume in the mall, someone wearing an outfit that reminds you of her. We can prepare for the big reflections. We can steel our hearts to walk thru the moments we see coming at us....but those sneaky ones are often the 1,2, punch. The only piece of tried and true advice I can give is to talk about it. Allot. Often. With those who have caring ears and the time to listen. Our words are often a healing balm for our souls. It reminds us that we have not forgotten, and the Mother we loved so dearly will not be forgotten. We want her to be with us, to carry on. In taking with you each day the part of her she gave to you validates her life and her legacy. It gives her the value she deserves, and allows us to pass on to our children memories of who she was. It also helps us process. Every time you re-visit the loss, in some minute way it diminishes the pain. It is like you have walked the road again, and the path became a little less rugged and a tad bit softer. I can't totally explain it - but it helps.
I made the choice to bottle it up and put it on the shelf. I thought if I didn't deal with it, it would slowly dissipate and go away. It didn't. It grew. When the top finally blew, it was not pretty. I began talking. Sharing. Praying. Sorting out feelings, and slowly I began to heal.
Know the process is long. You will be sick of hearing 'it takes time'....but it does. Lots of time. I can honestly say that for me, it took about 6 years before the pain was not as debilitating and the raw edges began to feel some strength.
One last honest confession. I lost my father in June of 1999, and this last week I finally took the last step in closing his estate. It was the first time I felt strong enough to go through it. It has become a blessing, and God is honoring my efforts, but I could not have done it even 6 months ago.
So continue to turn your wounded heart towards God, and when you feel the need to have a good ole Georgina conversation and there is no soft spot to land your words - give me a call. But talk. Allot. Your heart needs it :-)
Posted by: Sari Cobb at August 23, 2006 3:04 PMOnce every two or three weeks I sit down and read through my favorite blogs.
Today I read about your mom.
I am so sorry that you and your family have experienced such grief in the past few weeks. I am still sitting here with my hand over my mouth in complete shock.
Please know that I'll be thinking about and praying for you and your family.
Posted by: Angie at August 26, 2006 7:33 PM