of Cotter's Party Invitees,
First, I sincerely apologize for the blue icing. I'm really, really...really...sorry about that. We hadn't ever used Kroger as our Cupcake/Cake maker prior to this event, and they used SSSSOOOO much more icing than should be legal. We, like you, were shocked and dismayed, both by the volume of bright blue icing, and by the ability of the children to consume it. While we regret to inform you that the experts at the Dry Cleaners have told us that the stains in the clothing are likely permanent, we are pleased to share that the stains on the children's skin will pass in time, and the FDA has told us that the dye is almost certainly not toxic. We appreciate the many concerned phone calls in the hours that followed, and we can assure you that the odd, strangely unnatural colorizations of your sons' biological processes are normal, and is evidence of the dye passing through the system.
I would also like to apologize for the ideas of the Punt-Pass-Kick contest, and the flag football game. Surely, these events were adversely affected by the near hurricane-force gales that stormed through. We ask for understanding in why we had all your children punt-pass-kick into the wind, while our birthday boy did likewise with the wind. Regardless, he was sure pleased to be crowned the competition's unmitigated, undisputed champion, despite any mitigations or disputes. As for the football game, we thought it would be great for these boys to play ball with each other. We had no idea that the "game" would quickly devolve into twelve boys arguing over whose turn it was to be quarterback, and then the only score taking place when an older sister picked up a fumble and ran it back for the score.
Once again, thank you for participating in my son's party. We have learned many valuable lessons. We sincerely hope that you will invite Cotter to your own child's future parties, and that you will not view such extravaganzas an an opportunity for revenge.
Most Sincerely,
Bryan
Cotter's Dad