Spare Change

Good Grief

Posted by Bryan

Today is the one year anniversary of my mom's death. Last Sunday night I preached a message I called Good Grief. I reflected on my own journey of grief over the past year in mourning the unexpected death of my mom, Georgina McAnally. You can hear the message here, or listen to the podcast through iTunes.

I hope this message helps anyone navigating their own path of grief, give some encouragement, or offer hope.

The full text of the message can be read by clicking on the extended entry link.

July 22, 2006, three days after my 34th birthday, was the worst day of my life.

It was a hot Texas July day, but a day full of good expectations. Kelli and Kaylyn were away at our church's M.A.D. (Make A Difference) camp at Riverbend, about two hours away. Cotter and Kelsi were with me as we awaited the arrival of a young man who had been in my youth group several years ago, and was moving here to pursue a Christian education. He was going to stay with us a few days while he got the ball rolling.

Our expected guest arrived at the appointed time and we welcomed him into our house. We had spent about fifteen minutes exchanging the typical pleasantries, when we were interrupted by a call on my cell phone. I looked at my phone and saw Kelli’s number, so I took the call. Kelli was more upset than I had ever heard her.

I probably asked if she and Kaylyn were okay, but I can't say that with any confidence. Candidly, I don’t remember most of these details at this point, I’m merely sharing them with you through Kelli, who has reconstructed them for me. You see, apparently in a trauma, I shut down to a minimalist mode, whereas for Kelli, every sense is heightened and her memory’s DVR is set to record every detail.

Kelli, then, bless her soul, had the heavy burden of telling me that she had just received a phone call from a family friend back in our home town, and that my mother, Georgina McAnally, had taken her own life and was found dead in her bedroom.

This tragic news was shocking and life-changing. All of a sudden, nothing else mattered. Not my Sunday responsibilities, not what I had to take care of here at the church, and not even what we were going to do for the young man who had just made the biggest move in his life and was counting on me for some of his most basic needs.

I will share more details about the tragedy later, but for now, it is important just to know this stark, painful back story. In sharing my experience, I intend to offer an honest portrayal about the nature of grief from a biblical perspective, and I will share encouraging truth that is not only biblically trustworthy, but it is verifiable by my own account.

In the year 586 BC, the prophet Jeremiah wrote a series of poetic laments shortly after Jerusalem fell. In that year, Babylon (led by King Nebuchadnezzar) encircled the city of Jerusalem, starved its citizens, and overtook it. The Babylonians killed the sons of King Zedekiah, violently took out his eyes, and led him back to Babylon in shackles. Then, the Babylonian army came into Jerusalem and burnt down the temple and the king's palace. They destroyed every great home in the city. They carried away all the people still in the city, except for the very poor. They then proceeded to plunder the city of its gold, silver, and bronze. They then made captives of the chief priests of the city, of the leaders of the military, and the last sixty remaining men, drug them to Nebuchadnezzar and he had them executed.

Jeremiah, this sad prophet was witness to it all. His beloved country, his dear countrymen, and even his appointed king were all brought to swift and destructive ends. In fact, the Septuagint records the following introduction to the book of Lamentations: "And it came to pass after Israel was led into captivity that Jeremiah sat weeping and lamenting and lamented this lamentation over Jerusalem."

It is from this poetic text, the eloquent elegy of grief of Lamentations, where I have found words to explain my own emotions to me, to give me insight to my circumstances, and to reveal to me what I can expect next. These discoveries are painful, yet they are precious, and I share with you so that you may have similar understanding for any tragedies that you have already experienced or for those that may still wait in your future.

First, I have discovered the bitter surprises of grief. Jeremiah wrote:

Jeremiah 3:16-18
He has also broken my teeth with gravel, and covered me with ashes. You have moved my soul far from peace; I have forgotten prosperity. And I said, 'My strength and my hope have perished from the Lord.'

I have come to be so very thankful for these verses because they help me understand what surprised me so much about the tragedy we faced when mom died.

We were surprised by the suddenness of the the tragedy and the grief that followed. It’s so interesting to see how we all respond to horrible news. I mentioned how I basically shut down to a minimal operating system. It was like I had to disconnect all emotion in order to accomplish everything that I knew that needed to be accomplished. Kelli’s reaction was totally different than mine, but completely appropriate to who she is. Even though our reactions were very different, we would likely describe it similarly to how Jeremiah did when he was surprised by grief.

Jeremiah said it felt like his teeth were broken from being forced to eat gravel. Isn’t that a vivid description? When you face the bitter surprise of grief, it is as though somebody shoves a fistful of rocks into your mouth and forces you to try and chew it up and swallow it.

In response to the news of mom's death, many others have shared with me having gone through similar tragedy. They would probably describe it the same way, grief that is so emotionally, mentally, and spiritually painful that they actually feel it physically.

I was also surprised by the severity of grief. Jeremiah said that his soul was moved from peace and that he had forgotten prosperity. That is absolutely the nature of grief. Every joy that I had been experiencing was immediately replaced by distress. Every plan was immediately canceled and was replaced by calamity. I am so thankful that within minutes of learning what had happened, dear souls changed their agenda to bring Kelli and Kaylyn back here. Within minutes Mike Lawrence came to pick up Cotter & Kelsi, and within minutes Pastor Mike and Rick Baker were here to offer comfort and begin planning and within minutes Gene & Janice Coulter stepped up to welcome our guest into their home, no questions asked.

Jeremiah went so far as to record his words, "My strength and my hope have perished from the Lord." You see, Jeremiah had been a prophet in Jerusalem for nearly 40 years, warning against the inevitability of what awaited them if they did not turn from their wicked ways. Yet, as a follower of God, he embraced those principles of 1 Corinthians 13 long before 1 Corinthians 13 was ever recorded. He believed in his people, and he loved his people, and he always held out hope that they would hear, and that they would heed, and that they would turn and be spared. But when Nebuchadnezzar marched and swarmed through, Jeremiah was still surprised by the grief and he was devastated by the severity of it. Consequently, his strength had been decimated and his hope had been obliterated.

Just slightly more than two weeks prior to mom's death, my family met with her at my brother’s home in Albuquerque over the 4th of July. It was partly a vacation, partly a crisis intervention. Mom was reeling because after thirty-seven years, her marriage was suddenly over. She was experiencing a grief of her own that was every bit as real and bitter and surprising as what we would soon face. She had built a successful real estate business, and had made plans to go into partnership with my brother. Those plans were now derailed, and we spent much of our time building her up, giving her hope, showing her options, and inviting her to start fresh.

Like Jeremiah, we saw the ominous potential, but we held out hope upon hope. We were strong because she was weak, and we expected everything to work out. And when we received the horrible news, our strength was instantly gone, and our hope had perished from the Lord.

The suddenness of the surprise was certainly severe, but I tell you this: even more bitterly surprising that the suddenness and the severity was the source of the surprise. Look at what he says in verse 16, "He has also broken my teeth…" and in verse 17, "You have moved my soul from peace." Who is the "he" and the "you" being referred to here?

The simple truth is shocking and painful…the answer is “God.”

Verse 32 of this chapter acknowledges that God causes grief.

This is not only the truth, but it is an important truth. I have never heard it said better than when, five years ago, I was at the funeral for my friend and one of my mentors, Rick Ferguson. Rick had died at the height of his ministry, the pastor of a growing congregation, a minister of increasing influence. He was on vacation and died when his car blew out a tire, causing an accident where he was the only fatality, despite wearing a seatbelt. Rick’s oldest son Brett shared this discovery, and it has stayed with me ever since, particularly now since it is so relevant to my own grief.

There are only three possibilities when attempting to understand how a grief is visited upon you. First, you can consider that it is an accident. Maybe my mom’s death, though intentional, was an accident. Maybe God was not paying attention…asleep on the job. In a world of nearly 7 billion people, it makes sense that he cannot keep track of them all.

Except that it does not make sense. To assume that mom’s death was a divine accident does not align with everything I know about God. God knows every detail of every detail. He knew every thought my mom would ever have before she would ever have it. He loves my mom so much he refused to take his eyes off of her. We know this to be true because we saw him at work in her life even in her final days…leading her to fresh discoveries in his word and giving her new revelations about his love for her. If her death had in fact been an accident, it would not speak to the truth of God, for a God incapable of stopping an accident such as this is really no God at all if he is victim to the circumstances of his creation. Her death was no accident.

The second option is that her death was an attack. Maybe Satan just put my mother in his crosshairs and went on a relentless assault of her and did not quit until she had taken her own life. Maybe God did all he could, but he just came up short this time. Maybe it was just an attack from the enemy, and my mom was a casualty of the war. The only problem is that this alternative is as unsatisfying as the possibility of her death being an accident. The Bible says that greater is he that is in me than he that is in the world. And we know by her testimony that Jesus was indwelling my mother. The Bible also confirms that Satan can never attack one of God’s children unless God ordains it, and he only does it to prove their love for him, and he never gives Satan a hunt to kill license. Furthermore, Satan is not God’s opposite, the Lex Luthor to his Superman. The truth is that Satan is powerful, yes, but nothing more than a rebellious imp under God’s sovereignty who will one day be constrained, restrained, and cast forever into the lake of fire. My mom’s death was no attack.

The only other option is that my mom’s death was an appointment. It was not an accident. It was not an attack. It was an appointment. God knew when it would happen, why it would happen, and how it would happen. It was a painful, bitter appointment that that he not only allowed, but he ordained. It did not catch God by surprise, and he knew mom would keep her appointment.

This may be difficult for you to read. Believe me, it is so difficult to type it. But it is the truth. To believe otherwise would be to deny the truth of God’s word and to accept alternatives that come at the expense of nothing less than the majesty and might and lordship of God. Hebrews 9:27 says that it is appointed for every person to die once. God did not spare his own Son from this appointment. And while I would have preferred mom’s end to happen under far different circumstances many, many years from now, it was not the appointment God had for her.

Don’t think for a moment that God killed her, or that he had malicious intent in this. In fact, look at Lamentations3:32-33 more closely: "Though he causes grief, yet he will show compassion according to the multitude of his mercies. For he does not afflict willingly, nor grieve the children of men." There were many years of living apart from God that led to that day fifty one weeks ago. There were a lot of decisions that were made without regard to God’s leadership. Mom bears the responsibility for her action, and according to the multitude of his mercies, his grace is sufficient to cover even that extreme transgression.

These are the bitter surprises…the suddenness of grief, the severity of the grief, and the source of the grief. However, through this scripture, I have also come to understand the bitter season of grief. Read Lamentations 3:19-20: "Remember my affliction and roaming, the wormwood and the gall. My soul still remembers and sinks within me."

For Jeremiah, the tragic events he witnessed were so profoundly disturbing that they left him distressed and disturbed. He compares it to having to choke down a bitter poison.

I can identify with that.

The season of grief is a lonely minefield of unexpected dangers, even when you walk accompanied by people you love and who love you. I’ve learned that I can prepare for the big days…days like Mother's day, her birthday, July 4. I imagine my birthday will be difficult and the 22nd will be difficult…except that I will be prepared for them. However, there are countless moments of a multitude of days where I am not prepared because they are not hallmark days. It is those moments like when one of the kids does something cute, or accomplishes something cool and I think, "I need to call mom and tell her." Often, I’ll still even pick up the phone before my mind catches up with reality. And in those moments, swallowing reality is like a bitter poison that I have no choice to choke down.

In my worst moments, I play out her final moments and my heart aches for her. I wonder what she felt, what she thought, and of course…was I on her mind? were her precious grandchildren? I spend more time than I could quantify wondering why I did not see signs better, what I could have communicated more effectively, who I may have connected her with that may have prevented this…and I do all this knowing full well that her death was an appointment.

You see, friends. That’s what grief is. Grief is having to accept the limitation that we are in control of so little. Grief is wishing we could have all the power of God to do things differently, but not acknowledging that if we were to possess the power, we would horribly mismanage the responsibility that goes with it. Grief is knowing that God’s ways are so far above our own ways, but also having to accept that we won’t ever on this earth ever understand all the implications of why and how he is sovereign and we are not. We grieve because we cannot see the end from the beginning. We grieve because we view everything through the lens of our own perspective, often at the expense of the divine perspective. We rarely see a circumstance for what it is at the time, only in retrospect understanding something that we originally may have perceived as a blessing was really a judgment, and something that we considered a judgment turned out to be a blessing.

My grief today is different than it was a year ago, and I do not anticipate that it will ever go away. The bitterness may recede to a certain degree, but certain images are indelible, certain sorrows of compassion will likely never go away because she is my mom and I love her and I will always find reasons to think of her, miss her, and wish she were here or near.

All through this conversation, I’ve been using this word "bitter" in talking about the surprises and the season of grief. This word is emotionally-packed, meaning in our modern languages "troubling and painful." And you don’t have to look too far around this world to see bitter people who are so troubled by the surprises and in so much pain from the season of grief that they become beset by their bitterness. The bitterness corrupts them, corrodes them, and ultimately crushes them.

So what hope do I have in my grief? I turn to the scriptures and discover the bitter sweetness offered in grief. Read Lamentations 3: 21-24: "This I recall to my mind, therefore I have hope. Through the Lord’s mercies, we are not consumed. Because his compassions fail not. They are new every morning; Great is your faithfulness. 'The Lord is my portion,' says my soul, 'Therefore I hope in Him!'"

For Jeremiah, his nation lay in waste, his royalty murdered, and his people held captive. Yet, one thought …one truth…one reality was sufficient to bring him hope. That thought was that God is still God, and He is still on his throne. With this, he remembered that God is indeed merciful, that he is abundantly compassionate, and his faithfulness is unmatched.

I confess that these sweet words are bitter because they are held in the context of the troubling pain of loss that contextualizes them. Yet they are hopeful words nonetheless. God never left his throne through the calamity of my personal tragedy. And he is still on his throne today. I can look back and see how God used so many people in this church to bless us and minister to us in our pain. His compassion did not fail. I can look back and remember that for years I had asked God for an opportunity to share the gospel with the people of my home town. I never would have asked God to answer the prayer the way he chose to, but he did in fact grant me this request. I was able to share the gospel to an overflow crowd filled with the most important people to me from Craig. God mercifully chose to use mom’s funeral to save the souls of several others that day, and I am thankful that he moved in this way. God allowed me to be a giver of blessing that day to help initiate healing from the painful wound that her death caused. In every step of this journey of grief, God has been faithful.

A year later there is bitterness, but there is sweetness. And I choose to focus on the sweetness because, like Jeremiah, the Lord is my portion. This means that in the face of losing everything else, even someone as precious to me as my own mother, I still have the Lord, and He is sufficient. He is the balm to my pains, and he is the calm to my troubles. He is holy, he is loving, and he is good.

You will face tragedy in your life. I wish I had better news for you. Many of you have already become familiar with the appearance of grief at your door. For the rest of you, it is unfortunately unavoidable.

I could tell you to not be surprised when it shows up, but that is impossible. It will be a bitter surprise. That’s normal. It was normal for Jeremiah when he was surprised by it, and he had been prophesying about it for 39 years! So all I can tell you is to not be surprised when you are surprised by it! Be graceful with yourself when you find yourself feeling like you have just had a fistful of gravel shoved in your mouth. It will come suddenly, it will be severe, and you will be shocked at how God can bring a new grief to you.

Remember , too, that your grief will last for a season. I wish I could prescribe the length of your season, but that, too, is impossible. Just remember that it is normal to grieve. God made you that way…he made you mind, body, spirit, and soul, and each part of you will be in shock from the surprise of grief, and that shock is like a trauma, and traumas take time to heal. Talk through your grief with others. Talk to Jesus about your grief. Deal with your grief biblically. Do not deny your grief, because your grief will not deny you.

Finally, embrace the bitter sweetness of grief. The Scriptures say that God does not dispense grief willingly, but he always does so purposefully. He loves you so much that he purposes to use even your grief to draw you closer to him, and to walk closer by faith. Face your grief and explore it because I guarantee you will find the mercy and goodness of God in the details. You will discover opportunity in calamity and calm amidst chaos. You will experience blessing amidst your burdens and joys far greater than even your most significant sorrows. I have learned and can affirm that grief is bitter, but even more, it is sweet, because the compassion of God is found there, and he is sufficient .

July 22, 2007 2:04 AM | TrackBack