Spare Change

Taste Infringement

Posted by Bryan

I visited the Sue Zero website today, and reported my claim of flavor confusion.

I told my son to go to the fridge and "get me a Coke." He returned, even going so far as putting the cold can in insulator sleeve. I was thirsty from having worked outside in the heat of the day, and promptly consumed the entire beverage. It was the best Coke I had ever enjoyed! I told him to run and get me another. I pulled the empty can from the sleeve, to discover that it was, in fact, not a Coke, but a Coke Zero, that my spouse had purchased for the alleged "health benefits." I am emotionally traumatized by the experience and I have lost all confidence in my ability to consume Coke, fearing that at any moment, it may actually be a Coke Zero.

I have received this email reply:

Dear Prospective Client,

We've received your information and you can rest assured that our highly skilled paralegals are assessing your situation now. If we feel that your claim is lucrative, a representative from our firm may contact you to discuss the next steps. Thank you.

There was some small print about confidentiality and not being able to expect any real judgment, but I think that was just to scare off the people who weren't willing to fight the good fight.

Actually, this reminds me of my favorite (and only) Coke Zero story. Cotter and I went to a NASCAR event last summer at the invite of a friend (read: free tickets), and on the way out, a red army of Coke-interns were giving away 12-ounce cans of Coke Zero by the armload. In front of me, a NASCAR woman of considerable stature meat-fisted two of them and thrust one at her even larger husband/significant other. "It's good fer you," she claimed, with the sincerity of a scientist who has seen her fair share of free-range lab rats.

He took it from her, eyed it suspiciously, and thrust it back at her. "If it ain't got calories, I ain't puttin' it my body."

And that, dear reader, is why the citizenry of 41 other nations have a longer life expectancy than that of Americans.

Oh, and my claim may or may not have actually occurred. It was unclear whether veracity was a requirement for a valid suit.

August 15, 2007 5:32 PM | TrackBack