Spare Change

An Open Letter to the Neighborhood Barking Dog

Posted by Bryan

Dear Yappie McBarky,

From time to time, we all get a little wound up. I understand that. It just seems that lately, you've been wound up...a lot. Daily, we hear your piercing calling card over and over and over and over again. I can only imagine your frustration at the likelihood that nobody is home to hear your plaintive cry and give you the attention you so earnestly desire. We're all a little upset that the temperature has been so consistently hot. Tempers run a little short and we are all a bit quick to bark out...well, for us humans that's more figurative than literal, but still true. Yet, here's what I've learned. Find some shade, and wait silently for a small breeze. The silent part is really important.

Because barking incessantly has become your "thing," and it is know what you are known for in the neighborhood, I thought I could offer a few insights that may help cease your barking and improve your reputation in the community:

1. This decision of yours unveiled last night to add a 3 AM performance is not going to go over well with the neighbors. I admit that even I, a fan of yours, may have uttered a violent threat to find you, and...well...let's just say that it wasn't a pleasant thought. Matinee performances, while themselves an infuriating experience, are really your forte'.


2. You live in DFW, and airplanes will be flying overhead daily. They cannot hear you, and they are no threat to land in your yard. You don't need to threaten them with a series of staccato barks.


3. I'm pretty sure that there are no other dogs who will answer your calls. I've lived here three years now, and your act is pretty much a solo one. While you no doubt are the Cal Ripken of barking dogs, even the Iron Man short stop knew when to hang up the cleats. It's time to go into the dug out...or dog house.


4. The full moon should not be confused for a spot light. And it is not shining on you.


5. The squirrels are part of the neighborhood. We all have to live with them. They will, from time to time, run across your fence top. The little critters do it to just antagonize you. Don't give them the satisfaction of seeing you so upset. If you really want to frustrate them, let me suggest that you just smile at them and give them a little doggy wave. Kill them with kindness!

If I'm right about this, you probably haven't been trained to read any form of written human communication, much less English. Even so, I do hope your owner will somehow come across this letter while doing an Internet search for canine laryngitis will be moved to read it to you in a way that conveys the heart of my plea for you to shut your yapping yaw...at least during the nighttime hours. I imagine that you are napping right now, probably comfortably on your master's bed. And they may be tiptoeing around you, so as not to rouse you. So, until you awake to again regale me with an account of your latest doggie dream in a language I'll never understand apart from some barking-related advance in Rosetta Stone technology, I remain....

Respectfully,

Bryan

August 9, 2008 7:13 AM | TrackBack